It’s almost Collective Prayer Sunday again…

Have you set aside a minimum of 10 minutes for peace?  Whether you stop for 10 minutes of pranayama (breathing exercise) or chant the lovingkindness chant (see CPS page for info) or sing a peace chant like Om Shanti or create a ritual to do by candlelight, anything that makes you more peaceful or envisions a peaceful world helps to create the growing wave of peacefulness.

Even though I favor saying the lovingkindness chant for earth, lately I’ve been stuck in a singing chants groove, generally singing the Gayatri Mantra and either Om Shanti or Om Namo Bhagavate Vasudevaya (liberation).  I posted videos of Deva Premal singing the first two a little while ago here.  And the last one:

Happy peace time, however you choose to observe it!

Dungeon Prompts: Forgotten Childhood

English: The Voyage of Life Childhood

English: The Voyage of Life Childhood (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Today’s Dungeon Prompt from Sreejit Poole:

What did you forget after growing up?

As children we live in a totally different reality where the possibilities are endless. For example, I knew that there was a way to jump through the bathroom mirror into the world of the Thundercats; I just couldn’t figure it out. Some of those things we knew back then made life a lot more interesting. Tell us about some of the things that you knew as a child but have since forgotten.

In the last decade or so I can’t tell you how many practitioners and super intuitive friends have told me I need to play more.  Every time it comes up I feel at a loss.

I’ve said many times, in my house it was okay to be chronologically young but not to actually be a child.  I had to behave circumspectly from pretty early on.  While I know I had a vivid imagination and lots of dreams and somewhere along the way I assume I knew how to play, I just don’t remember.

I wasn’t that good at sports so even a lot of play-time memories feel strained to me; always tense about not being chosen, about knowing I’d fumble or swing and miss.  A lot of my favorite times were spent reading books and writing short stories.

Early childhood apparently carried enough trauma that I remember very little before the age of six.  Lots of processing and digging, helped along by some shocking memories from an aunt who’d kept quiet till I was in my 30’s, have unearthed some pieces but I see them as if I’m viewing a movie about somebody else.  They don’t feel like my other memories of things I clearly recall.

Very few of my short stories still exist but they show a sense of magic.  Yet when someone tells me to spend more time playing or letting my inner child run free I just come up blank.  I still love reading and writing.  And my spiritual path has led me places imbued with a different sort of magic.  I do believe in a magical universe where amazing things can happen.

But I’m not sure I know how to play.  Can’t swear I ever did.  When my life is finally devoted to something other than getting well (I’m predicting that’s soon!) I’m thinking I need to try some stuff that sounds fun and see if I can find that playful child…   That may prove interesting as not many things sound fun to me.  Don’t like crowds or sports (participating or watching) or camping or doing crafts so most of the activities other people seem to think are fun appall me (as activities for myself, not that others like them).

So far the inner child work I’ve done has mainly taken away her enormous fear and let her breathe freely while feeling safe in the world.  Maybe the playing comes after the healing?

Gratitude and updates

Muscles of the eye - based on image 889 from o...

Muscles of the eye, Gray’s Anatomy (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

In some ways I’ve been feeling at the end of my tether again these days, as another round of unwinding goes on.  However, as I feel how deeply, complexly bound around my left eye’s optic nerve(s) these muscles are, I’m also amazed and grateful that this web of steely muscle fibers didn’t take out my sight before this started nor during all this yanking and tugging and unwinding.

Gray's FIG. 777– Detailed view of ophthalmic n...

Gray’s FIG. 777– Detailed view of ophthalmic nerve, shown in yellow. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Similarly, as the deepest stuff in my jaw lets go, I’m stunned that I could ever chew or talk before this.  So much has opened and still there are a couple of pieces so tight…; hard to believe so much has released yet this much tightness remains.  Before any unwinding occurred the complex array of knots in there was so tight and unmovable, I really don’t see how my mouth could open so I’m feeling gratitude for the miracle that it could.

At the same time I’m having these happy feelings, I’m also noting how few –yet extremely tight — pieces are left compared to having every muscle in my face wound up in steely intertwined knots.  While I’m grateful for that, I’m struggling with impatience.  This process has taken years, during which I’ve frequently had the delusion that it would be over soon –a necessary delusion, I think, to being able to hang in there.

Now that it’s down to so few pieces, I’m able, for the first time, to pick out some of the individual muscles.  Previously things were so enmeshed and glued together I’d look at pictures of the muscles and feel clueless as to what was pulling on what.  With all the progress you’d think I’d be elated  Sometimes I am.  But the last few days, I’m having that end-of-my-tether feeling.

All this whining is working my way to say even though Journey2Peace Monday has disappeared the last few weeks, I’m still planning to unleash a series of challenges … which I”ll get to … one of these days…

In the meantime I’m struggling for acceptance of what is and to find positive thoughts to hold.  Time to breathe and meditate!

When the inner voice says stop

Inspiration Point (1326461099)

Inspiration Point (1326461099) (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

[It’s just about peace time again so look at your Sunday schedule and see where you can set aside 10 minutes for peace.  See the Collective Prayer Sunday page for more info.]

Since my major healing experience in the spring I’ve been assuming that any moment the last vestiges of unwinding muscles will finish and this long journey of healing will at last be over.  I’ve worked for this a long time and of course I’m pleased, but I’m also aware of an undercurrent of wondering, “When I’m not completely devoted to healing, who am I?  What do I do?”

Soon after the spring healing I had a big idea for a new blog/business ad/venture and began daydreaming it and then starting to plan.  Just when I felt ready to make a list of components and start calling around to get prices and prepare a budget for a GoFundMe fundraiser, I suddenly started getting an inner message to wait.

I feel like I’ve been waiting for years to get beyond the health stuff, so this surprised me.  I decided to ask my guides in meditation whether I really needed to wait.  This time I was told not to start the project for a year!  Since then I’ve been alternating between reeling at the idea of such a long wait and feeling rebellious about it.

In the last few days, though, several things have  been coming together, from a conversation in a daily e-mail check-in with a friend to a post from Liz at be.love.live discussing a period of aligning to thinking about earlier stages of my journey for this week’s Dungeon Prompt post.  Yesterday I suddenly understood.

Long ago I mentioned a spell of being in the void after both finishing the Fischer-Hoffman process and setting off kundalini (thanks to the processing) around the same time.  Ellen, the facilitator, explained this period of “the void” is normal and advised that I just flow with it instead of trying to reconstitute my sense of self — which would almost inevitably mean calling back things I’d released.  So I sat.

During that work I released so much of who I’d been, realized many things I thought I wanted arose from issues instead of any true heart’s calling, and let go of so many behavior patterns, I felt I didn’t know who I was any more.  In some ways, even though many people think I have an unusually strong sense of self, I’ve continued to feel as though I don’t know who I am in spite of a strong core.

The uncertainty inherent in this loss of self hasn’t bothered me for some reason.  It’s not like all of me disappeared.  I still love chocolate and really good coffee :-)  I’m still a feminist and a human rights advocate though I handle both differently now.  I also have new interests and passions, but no sense of one as “my calling”.

Even the new blog/website idea is more a way of making my movement classes and some other healing work available on line so anyone can benefit without me personally having to teach classes or build a following.  I don’t feel called to teach yoga or movement and my guidance is that’s not what I’m here to do.  Still, after fiddling with the Psychophysical Method and yoga until I’d developed movement sets that created miracles for my body, I’d like it to be available to others.

As my thoughts meandered through the who-am-I issues, and especially “what do I do when I’m not just getting healthy”, I read Liz’s post and thought, “Aligning.”  That’s what the year is for.  I’ve spent years letting go and letting go and letting go but rarely taking time to let things integrate.  Suddenly I understood why my guidance is telling me not to finish healing and leap immediately to the next thing.

I’ve already intuitively felt I’d need at least a couple of months of rest after this ordeal with my muscles.  Now I’m seeing the year as a chance to become acquainted with my new healthy body, to explore new limits.  A chance to get back to schedules and re-achieve ground that’s been lost during this last,wild phase of healing muscles.  Most important, it’s an opportunity to meditate and walk and think and go inward with questions about what’s next. To ponder options from a standpoint of health and energy instead of trying to figure out what I can do within serious limits.

Long ago I thought I had answers about what I came here to do.  Those answers no longer seem to fit or at least they need to do some morphing to suit this changed version of me.  Music, the great passion of m childhood and adolescence is no longer a path I care to pursue.  I thought at one time I’d write novels, but I’m not sure it’s really my talent.  New interests and paths have opened.  So many unknowns, so many possibilities.

I used to love doing Runes readings for myself and I often drew the Rune, Jera, or Harvest.  A key part of the meaning is that you’ve sown the seeds but now you must wait; my Rune book specifically says “one year”.  Impatience has been a big issue for me throughout this journey and I’ve never wanted to hear that I have to wait some more (bear in mind this healing stuff started THIRTY YEARS ago for me and has progressed one small step at a time) so I generally ignored the waiting part and concentrated on the harvest part for my interpretation.

Hopefully one day my guidance can tell me to wait for a year and I’ll just do it without asking why :-)  In the meantime, I felt I needed answers before I’d agree to wait.  Once the answers converged to the aha moment of understanding, I nodded and thought, “A year.  I need a year.”  Sometimes your Higher Self has a plan on a different schedule than yours…

Dungeon Prompt: The moment of change

English: San Francisco Bay Area (from UC Berkley)

San Francisco Bay Area (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

The Dungeon Prompt for this week:

That Now I Get It Moment

Though we may still feel like we don’t “get-it” we’ve all had moments in our life that rocked our world and caused us to look at everything differently. Whether it was bottoming out or having a religious awakening, the discovery of what you want to spend the rest of your life doing, or understanding that you can no longer stick with the career you’ve invested years in, we’ve all had moments when we realized that we’d been going about this thing called life all wrong. What was your, oh-now-I-get-it moment?

For one of these prompts a while back I wrote about the turning point moment when I started my spiritual journey.  At the time my feeling was “now I get it”.  And I did get a lot.  But some years down the road came a turning point within that new journey.

Much like the first turning point, the second unfolded in a series of moments more than as one instant when the proverbial light bulb flared over my head.  I’d completed Nine Gates Mystery School and moved to the Bay Area to be closer to the friends I’d made and those of the Mystery School teachers who lived in the area.

Against my better judgement I agreed to room with someone I’d met at the workshop but didn’t know well.  Putting it in the kindest light, let’s just say it was a poor match.  Now that I’ve become all forgiving and peaceful I’ve calmed down to just thinking of her as the she-witch from hell.  She never bothered to hide her contempt of me, which she not only verbally expressed regularly and in myriad ways  but also in her systematic destruction of my furniture and mistreatment of my cats.

I kept wondering, “if she’s my mirror, am I THIS horrible?”  I even started asking friends I trusted to give me the truth, all of whom agreed I wasn’t like her.  Eventually I began seeing comparisons to the way my ornery aunt treated me and the way my dad often spoke to me.  The aha moment, though, arrived one day with the realization that I talked to myself just the way the she-witch did … all the time.

The move to California proved to be a far less thrilling choice than anticipated on many fronts and I began to feel desperately unhappy.  One of the frequent comments from the she witch and her pals concerned how I angry I obviously was.  The unhappiness and a dawning sense of some justice to the angry observation combined with observing some great results from friends who were completing Fischer-Hoffman work with Nine Gates teacher Ellen Margron and led to signing up for her next session.

Until the Fischer-Hoffman work I don’t know that I’d quite understood the importance of emotional work, exploring deep issues and releasing the past.  In all honesty, I was pretty resistant.  The work changed me in many ways, one of which was a different look at some aspects of what went on with the roommate.

Ellen mentioned at one point that meditation, breath work, etc. can become just another “narcotizing” tool, adding defensive layers of calm and keeping us from seeing the issues underneath.  I’d been coping with the roommate by meditating and practicing pranayama.  A lot.  Suddenly I could see how I’d been burying my rage and unhappiness in the sea of serenity I constantly created around myself.

Step by step these many moments of insight and learning opened me and changed my journey.  The huge releases of the Fischer-Hoffman work transformed me on many levels.  And I not only developed an affinity for “processing”, but awareness of emotions and willingness to delve into the darkness within became key elements of my journey.

Do you want a home or do you want a life?

yogaleigh:

Alison and Don regularly inspire. i love how this post exemplifies the wonders that can happen when we let go and trust the Universe

Originally posted on Adventures in Wonderland:

We were in our sixties and faced with the reality that we couldn’t have both. We didn’t see it with such clarity at the time. All we knew was that we couldn’t afford for Don to retire and the stress was making him sick.

We had a mortgage. We also had a large outstanding debt from a bad investment. On the plus side we had some retirement savings but it was abundantly clear that it was nothing like enough money for us to maintain our somewhat ordinary middle class life, even with small government pensions. Don became both obsessed and stressed about money, largely without telling me.

He was working full-time as a neuropsychologist in private practice. His work involved assessment of people with head and brain injuries, for legal cases. He still had many outstanding cases and at any point could be called to court to give expert witness…

View original 1,650 more words

Dungeon Prompt: Magic Powers


Tarot card from the Rider-Waite tarot deck, al...

Tarot card, Rider-Waite tarot deck (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Don’t forget to set aside some time to chant or pray for peace!

I take part in several different weekly prompts–some sporadically, some regularly.  The last few weeks there have been a few prompts that flummoxed me.  I either couldn’t understand the prompt or it just left me blank.  Usually I just don’t participate when that happens.  I’m equally puzzled by this week’s Dungeon Prompt (no fault to Sreejit, just something in me doesn’t get it) but I thought maybe I’d meander through some of my muddled thoughts and ask you to comment and give me your thoughts, insights, etc. so maybe I’ll understand it better or differently.

The prompt:

We are all gifted with certain magical powers. We may not have fully harnessed them, or we may rebel against the powers we’ve been given, but we know that they are there. The power may be so potent that we are scared to use it, or we may have come to terms and learned the intricacies of it. We may have used them for evil or for good, but when we think that we can go unnoticed, we have surely tested them out.

Magical powers go beyond a talent for something. It involves bending reality to your will. When your will comes in tune with the cosmic will you may notice your powers flow like a raging river. Whether you hide it or not, you know that it’s there. So this week, tell us about your magical powers.

It may be true that we all have magical powers, I’m not sure as I can’t quite decide from the prompt what they are. But I don’t have any sense whatsoever of having them and, if they’re latent, they’re so far beneath the surface of consciousness I’m not at all aware of them.

In the sense of extrasensory abilities, I’ve long believed that we all have more abilities than we remember and are discouraged as toddlers from believing in the auras we see or the thoughts we hear or the things we “know” are coming until we no longer consciously do those things.

If that’s the kind of magical powers, I’m aware of a lineage of “seers” in my family but it’s always been blocked for me and, though there are signs of opening since the healing session in the spring cleared a lot of blocks the ability still isn’t obvious nor do I have the faintest idea how to access it at will.  So the idea that I know I have it or that I use it purposefully is hard to grasp.  What I know of seers and “seeing” leaves me pondering how you could use that to bend the world your will???

The notion of powers that “bend reality to your will’ makes me edgy.  I’ve known plenty of strong-willed, often manipulative, people who use force or guile to get others to do their bidding, to organize the world to suit them.  It might be a form of power — though I’d argue it isn’t true power — but it sure isn’t anything I’d describe as magical.  In some areas of life I’m aware that I can be manipulative and I consider that a flaw to release from my life, not a power and certainly not magic.  The folks who are best at controlling their environment willfully I’d describe as narcissists or sociopaths or twisted — are those magical powers?

When it comes to a magic power I’ve used to bend reality, I’m blank.  I can’t even quite wrap my mind around the idea that a magic power ever could or would be used to force reality to your will.  When I’ m in tune with the Divine, I feel enormous power but it isn’t mine.  I’m one with the power of the universe and it feels immense and magical, but it’s not about me and I don’t know how I’d bend anyone to my will with that from of magic — when feeling one with the Divine I can’t conceive of anyone wanting to force the world to suit them.

If talents aren’t in the picture, several aspects I might have linked to this are off the table.  Then there’s fuzzier territory.  Years ago one of my teachers informed me that I had great charisma but kept it hidden.  I asked another teacher about it and she nodded emphatically and indicated she felt I had a great deal of buried charisma.  I’d always been so inward the idea of a charismatic me was novel. I did the chant for the prescribed 28 days with no noticeable change (though I loved the chant and felt its power enough that I come back to it every few years).    Is that a hidden magic power?  Or is that a talent?  I don’t know.

Much more of my charisma is on display now, I think, particularly when I teach.  But I don’t have any sense of it as being a power in the sense of forcing my will on the world.  I am, however, aware, that when I let that sunnier, more magnetic me out to play everyone around me is happier and the world feels good.  But I sense that as more of a flow with grace.  To me that’s a magical power:  something that helps you flow with the grace of life.

That’s as far as I can get.  Not sure if it’s a case of just using different words to describe the same thing or whether the concept of magical powers and how they’re used is something I just don’t understand.  I’m curious to hear from you:  what do you think magical powers are?  Do you use them to bend the world to your will?  Do you have a power you use to get your way?  If so, would you consider that to be magical? Do you have a specific power you think is magical?