Circling up the spiral

In the last year or two I’ve been encountering more and more material about the earth moving from 3D to 5D.  One of the characteristics many assume will be present is an easy flow to manifestation.  It has felt right to me at some deep level.

It took a while for me to see that as funny, given the early stages of my journey.  The language is different enough that I didn’t quite get they’re really saying a lot of the same stuff teachers in the 80’s were spreading about manifesting what you want by thinking about it.

New Age teachers like Arnold Patent, Shakti Gawain, and Jack Canfield came out of the woodwork,telling us that if we created a vision and said some affirmations we could create anything we wanted.  Fueled by my reading of a number of Jane Roberts’ channeled works — mainly The Nature of Personal Reality — I jumped on the “I create my own reality” bandwagon.

Affirming and visualizing brought me some great manifestations, like my job at the Governor’s Office of Consumer Services and a straightened left leg (bone twisted since birth moved), but eventually the successes slowed and frustration set in.

Thanks to the deep work at Nine Gates Mystery School,and following it up with the Fisher Hoffman process with then-Nine Gates teacher, Ellen Margron, I began to see how old beliefs and issues can block the path of creation.  Attracting what you want could only work as easily and effortlessly as claimed if you had done the work.  It’s an ideal if everything is operating on the level of energy without blocks in the physical operating.

Over the next few years more teachers started including the idea that some amount of psychological help and clearing of beliefs is part of the package.  But then in 2006 The Secret came out and spread the same “it’s easy” teaching as the 80’s crowd.  The great gift to me from The Secret was seeing how negative thinking impacts our lives, and having learned my lesson, I wasn’t seduced by the “it’s easy” part..

Examining my own thoughts, I realized I might say a few positive affirmations a day but for the other 23 hours and 45 minutes thousands of negative tapes ran through ceaselessly.  Around the same time a lot of teachings about the impact of ancestors led to seeing how negative thought patterns can be passed down through many generations.

So my next phase became lots of work on ancestral patterns and on changing the negative tapes to positive.  I’ve cleared giant amounts of material and I’d say I’ve reached a point of leaning more to the positive in my thinking.  Don’t know that I’ll ever be done, but progressing…

And now I find myself having moved a round or two (or a few) up the spiral along which we progress, circled back to the “it’s easy” place where I began.  When I read assertions that in 5D manifestation will become easier I sense into it, a calm, definitive “yes, that’s true.”  Enough of us have been doing all that clearing and raising vibrations, etc., it makes sense to me we’re on the verge of moving into a place where it’s easier.

There have been Indian gurus over the years who could survive without eating by manifesting energy.  One of my favorite tales involves someone I became acquainted with years ago through my friend Gay.  Hari (now Babaji) had fairly newly arrived back in Marin after going home to India for study with a guru.

He’d been instructed to go back to California with just the clothes on his back.  When I first met him he’d quickly manifested house to live in, places to teach yoga and a following of students; I met him because he came to the attention of Nine Gates and has been teaching for Nine Gates ever since.  Now he’s the leader of the Sonoma Ashram, which has a large tract of land/buildings/gardens in Sonoma and an ashram and a school in India.

Paramahansa Yogananda did it too but I like Hari’s version since his long association with Nine Gates meant meeting him many times.  I can’t quite imagination the faith in abundance required to make such a journey with nothing.  But I feel the power with which such faith creates a world.

When I sense into the 5D, I feel abundance so easily acquired that all our beliefs in the need for financial planning, jobs we hate, careful budgets, etc. will seem old-fashioned and unnecessary.  We may reach a place where we can picture a loaf of bread and then find one in our hands.  And better yet, a world where we can focus on peace and find peace.

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Fashion, women and the veils of patriarchy

A few months ago some of my posts were muses on the current state of women.  It’s an issue I’m still ruminating and this week some things came together for me.  Can’t quite decide if I’m disturbed or energized.  But I am ever more convinced that a shift into a time of greater feminine/Goddess energy requires women to take some long, deep looks at the many ways we’re hooked into the patriarchy.

This rumination started years ago when I began to realize that the “perfect” body coaches and judges demand of gymnasts and figure skaters is basically the body of a pre-pubescent.   Pre-pubescent boy was my first thought, but really the average body type at that stage is about the same for either gender.  Women’s grown bodies… not okay.

And more recently, as I discussed here, I reflected on another piece, the question of women dressing in revealing or “sexy” clothes.  It bugs me how much Hollywood and the fashion industry push for women to be sexy above all else.

Then lately I’ve been running into discussions about how younger women basically are waxing all the hair off their bodies.  Suddenly I got the whole picture of the body type fashion favors:  skinny, flat chest and no body hair.  Okay, we’re back to pre-pubescent.  So we’re permeated by a fashion sense that wants women to look like young girls — or boys — rather than grown up women.

You know, kids  The ones only pedophiles consider sexy.  I’m not sure which disturbs me worse:  that the fashion industry has somehow shaped the world view of sexiness to suit the desires of pedophiles (and wtf is that about?) or that so many women, instead of saying, “screw you, women who look like women — in every shape and size — are sexy and we don’t want your fashion” just jump on board and follow these dictates.

Is pedophilia really so pervasive that this long-standing, widespread effort to tell grown women the only thing that’s sexy is the body of a child hasn’t even been noticed?  Or is everything about women–not to mention children– so unimportant in our society no one is paying that much attention?

And what’s with all the women who get told they’re only sexy if they look like a pedophile’s wet dream and instantly start dieting and taking off all their body hair?  How did so many of the rest of us — us non-fashionistas — not quite see the deeper meaning in all this?  A world view that grown women aren’t desirable unless they look like and — as far as I can see — behave like children.  Now that I’ve noted it, it’s so glaring I can’t understand why this isn’t a national conversation.

I’m a great believer in the divine feminine, in the power of women.  We’re beautiful in every shape and size.  We’re smart, capable, talented, creative and most important, filled with compassionate and loving hearts.  Our compassion is the biggest reason we’re needed in positions of power and authority.  But instead of being celebrated and given equality and power for our wonderful attributes we’re in a male-dominated culture in which we’re treated as disposable, negligible, objects… children.

It’s a culture so pervasive I think most of us women are blind to some aspects of it because we’re too enmeshed in it to see.  I’m excited by the current climate of embracing women’s rights and yet I feel like much of it is dancing around the edges without delving into the deep issues.  It’s time to explore all the ways patriarchy is operating to keep women marginalized and degraded and to stand up for overthrowing all of it.  Not to mention stop colluding in it.

It starts, I feel, with women exploring their own inner landscape and healing all the ways they feel less than, lacking in self worth and/or self-respect, dependent on men, insecure, etc.  We need an army of GROWN, confident women who respect themselves and know their worth. And none of us can make anyone else do it.  It begins with me.  It begins with you.

Sleep deprivation brain

I finally had a decent night of sleep last night — the first full night in several weeks.  Late last night, though, I was tired enough to be loopy.

The super deep, intertwined pieces that are now unwinding have been making some serious headway in the last few days. As weariness set in last night, I was also noticing a bunch of territory around my left eye that has previously been numb and now has feeling and freedom.

Of course, when the unwinding started vast portions of my face and head were numb.  Which led to late night musings about the origins of numbskull….  No please don’t tell me the real story, I kind of like this version 🙂

I’ve also wondered many times how my muscles could have 5 million knots and still leave room for my brain.  Feeling the newly freed areas and pondering the combo of numbness and knottiness leads to wondering how my brain, squeezed up and surrounded by numbness has been working at all.

Which takes me back to the numbskull question for pondering…

Faith comes knocking

For many years now I’ve lived in two worlds when it comes to faith.  On the one hand, I’ve moved more and more into a space in which I feel the energy of all that is and how we’re all connected to one another and the big energy of the Universe.  And I believe the Universe operates on love and wants the best for us.

On the other, when it comes to certain aspects of my personal life, i have no faith at all in a benevolent God or universal Energy that specifically looks out for or assists me.  I realized quite a few years ago I lost faith as a small child when my family was working hard at shutting down the essence of me and I felt God abandoned me.

I’ve been working ever since I noticed its absence on finding that faith while pretty much unsure how you do that.  Doing my practices and lots of affirmations have helped move me in the direction of finding faith.  And to be honest, it’s been a while since I’ve given it a lot of thought.

Then late last week I had two posts about Jesus in my feed on the same day.  Jamie at Sophia’s Children reblogged Defiance, Introducing Mark’s Jesus (which I then reblogged here).  Cynthia Sue Larson posted an interview she did with Gardner Sylvester on his book, The First Great Commandment, concerning his research on the secret code of the Bible through Jesus’ words.

These lovely pieces arrived at a time when I’ve been feeling increasingly put out by the folks who call themselves Christians but quote only the Old Testament (and often mistakenly think Jesus said those things) and seem unfamiliar with the New Testament.  Which is kind of odd since I wasn’t that into it when I grew up Presbyterian…

But my spiritual path has included Unity and the notion of Christ Consciousness as well as explorations of the Gnostic Gospels and other similar teachings, all of which has led to a strong feeling about the presence of an energy in the Universe associated with Christ and love.  And somewhere in there I keep thinking being Christian should be based on love.

It felt so heavenly to read those two posts with their beautiful takes on the love and kindness of Jesus and what it means.  Hours later I reflected on the synchronicity of having them both show up a short time apart and how something fresh breathed through me.

As I contemplated the great loving presence of Christ Consciousness and then the Christ grid Steve Nobel brings down from the sun so often in his meditations, I felt that light fill and surround me as a palpable presence and in that presence I felt safe and protected and understood how it feels to be “in faith”.

I can’t say it is now a permanent state.  But I keep being able to tap into that presence of light and remind myself I am safe and protected.  There are issues of self worth still to heal and I’d say a vestige of the “God abandoned me” issue.  But I’m working.

Today I found another, fairly new, Steve Nobel meditation for clearing fear.  One of the most powerful meditations I’ve done.  I particularly like that he goes through a number of different clearings several times each.  Felt like I shifted a lot of energy, moving even closer to the place of faith where fear can’t dwell…

 

Oy the energy… the transition… the cranky

 

Energetically speaking, for me there’s so much going on these days I have trouble deciding: which kind of energy, what started it, whether it’s me or some cosmic shift…  The unwinding is opening nadis and letting prana flow and grow.  Kundalini seems to be back (or maybe never went away…).  Supposedly cosmic forces are moving us along and flooding us with energy big time.

Besides being “buzzy” with gigantic amounts of energy running through me, lately I’ve been noticing a certain cranky factor.  It shows up just in certain situations and the rest of the time isn’t apparent.  It particularly shows up when I’m watching TV and some type of character I don’t like is a major part of the story.  Types whom I’ve always found mildly irritating are suddenly launching me into fury.

For instance, on NCIS LA, one of the two new characters this season I just never much liked (the other I adored though according to the cliffhanger she may not be back next season).  Most of the season I just kind of ignored her.  But in the finale she played a big part and every officious, obnoxious character trait (not to mention her whistling S’s) seemed exaggerated and especially annoying.

I spent the whole episode waving my fists and shouting, “would somebody just please shoot her (the character, not the actress) and put us all out of our misery???!!!”  “Or at least put tape over her mouth so we don’t have to listen to her?”  Now, it wouldn’t have been all that unusual for me to roll my eyes, grunt, and fast forward every time she showed up.  But shouting and shaking fists, that’s a bit unusual.  And as a basic pacifist, pretty odd for me to want somebody shot…

This total impatience for characters who offend me — and officiousness, which has been a very popular character trait the last couple of years, is something that really bugs me — accompanied by a sense of fury, is kind of new.  I’m aware of the spike in emotion every time it happens.

And then there’s #45.  I didn’t like him long before he ran for President and I’ve certainly been annoyed by plenty since his election.  But now when he shows up on my TV screen, I start gagging and crossing my fingers in the sign to ward off evil.  Again, some unpleasant muttering and eye rolling wouldn’t have been unusual in the past.  On my good days followed by saying the lovingkindness chant.  But now I feel like I’m erupting.

I’m trying to decide whether these sudden flares of temper are reflecting something in me that’s clearing.  Or, since I’m inclined to pick up on others’ energy, am I picking up on the general atmosphere of discord and working it out through my reactions to what I see on screen?  Or are some of these cosmic energies that are supposedly flooding us these days creating bigger emotional reactions than usual?  Is the constant big flow of energy creating irritation?  All of the above?

It’s been going on at least a couple of months so I know most things about alignments of stars, etc. have shifted more than once while this has been going on which has me I’m assuming it’s not about the movement of planets and such.

Since lots of you in this community are following all this stuff about this time of transition and are sensitive to energy, I’m curious whether anyone else is experiencing weird stuff like this?  Or are aware of info about the transition that would explain any of this.  Or just, you know, have any thoughts?

Still here… mostly :-)

314px-facial_muscles

I haven’t meant to disappear but the unwinding in my face has been very intense the last couple of weeks, going on sometimes 16 or 20 hours, interfering with sleep, etc.  So I’ve been kind of flattened — doing well to manage groceries and laundry, etc.  When it’s not too crazy I’m trying to keep up with reading your blogs, but I’m not even doing that as well as usual.

In many ways it feels like there is so little left, but the core pieces are still part of a complex pattern that still has some very tight pieces.  I keep being puzzled as I try to sort out what is twisted up with what– I can study pics of the muscles and this core chunk is still so confusingly complicated  I can’t figure out what all the specific ones still involved are.

The orbicularis oculi and orbicularis oris are heavily involved and some of the muscles down the cheek that connect them plus one or more of the ones that go from the front of the eye on back into the head.  But a few pieces are still being pulled far enough off course I wind up scratching my head and giving up when I try to sort it out.

I know, TMI… Anyway, I’m still here and one of these days I will actually write posts 🙂

The fine line: spiritual bypass vs. always something wrong

Over the course of 30+ years on this path I’ve landed in many places where I questioned whether digging or uplifting would be the better answer.  There are proponents of digging deep who also imply you can never stop.  There are proponents of positive thinking, doing uplifting practices, etc. who imply the “uplifting” thoughts and actions will shift away the underlying issues with no need to dig.  Personally I’ve found we need both.  But there’s a fine line between and I find it a great challenge to decide which side suits any given moment.

I started off in some New Age stuff that I eventually realized invited people to do a “spiritual bypass” wherein they stuffed issues even farther down in favor of pretending to be upbeat all the time.  The excitement of this new path brought me some good successes for a while and I arrogantly decided I didn’t need more therapy or any other digging through issues.  Later I also met lots of people who studied established traditions like Buddhism and Sufism and realized you can do a spiritual bypass on any path if you choose to avoid your issues…

Higher consciousness (mine? the Universe? who knows) pretty quickly slammed me into a wall of my own limiting beliefs and I wound up doing the extensive excavation work required by my late friend Ellen Margron’s version of the Fisher Hoffman Process.  Although I moved mountains of material in the nine months my group spent doing the process work and set off kundalini after one particularly huge release, I knew pretty soon after finishing that I wasn’t done.

I’ve used the process many times since and also wound up in several forms of body work that delve into emotional patterns and issues as well as setting off on an exploration of ancestral issues deep in my DNA.  All these things have, in my opinion, been necessary to open pathways and channels that blocked my ability to expand into higher consciousness or even a new version of myself.

However, in the last couple of years I’ve been feeling increasingly that it’s time to concentrate more on shifting thought patterns from negative to positive and raising energy to higher vibrational levels.  In 2017 I really devoted the year to positive thinking and practices to uplift.  The first thing I noticed was how much more impact I felt from these things after having released so much material that had been in the way.  My experience in doing guided meditations or saying affirmations or singing chants, etc. became one of feeling energy moving vitally throughout my body in a way I’d never felt in the early days — before releasing.

Once the New Age movement evolved to embrace the idea of exploring issues, an entire industry seemed to grow up with teachers and “schools” and body work therapies all designed to help people retrieve repressed memories and “release the past”.  And — what a surprise — many of them believe you never finish this work.

Up to a point, I believe that – you’re unlikely to hit every hidden issue in a short space of time and issues tend to recur.  I question, though, that you have to focus your life around discovering issues for the rest of your days.  And I worry that the central, usually unconscious, belief at the core of all the digging and searching can be “there’s something wrong with me” and/or “I’m not good enough as I am”.

These are core issues for me, so I began to worry about the constant probing through my psyche for hidden issues perpetuates the core self-doubt and self-worth issues.  Adding that worry to my growing belief there’s a point when the digging needs to stop to allow building to begin, I felt I needed to shift my focus from releasing the past to creating a different future.

Opposed to those who think we must excavate for life, there are also spiritual teachers/leaders who believe we don’t need to dig at all.  Using a little of “What the Bleep’s” science, when you create a new positive neural net, the old one starts dismantling.  Or, looked at another way, when you raise the energy vibration, the lower vibrations begin to shift upward.

I think that happens too, I just think it is stymied if you are full of repressed memories and unresolved issues and your plan is never to look.  Even in the “just raise the vibe” theory, whatever is blocking or contradicting tends to rise to the surface.  One way or another I do believe you have to confront at least some of your issues.  I have also had the sense of unknown things falling away as I’ve progressed, so I don’t think you have to consciously deal with every single issue.  But I do believe you have to be willing to look deep within.

For me, there was much transformation resulting from releasing.  And there has also been profound change in the last year as I have changed my focus to building instead of dismantling.  Some look doubtful when I say I want to stop constantly searching for what’s wrong and needs to be fixed.  Some agree there’s a time to shift the focus.

Not only has it been in my thoughts a lot, but lately I’ve had several off and on conversations going about this.  And I know lots of you in this blogging community have probably looked at this issue.  I’m very interested in your thoughts and experiences.