For some years now my mother and I look at one another periodically through the holiday season and declare, “I have no Christmas spirit at all.” I’m not sure why I lost my Christmas mojo other than too many years of less than no energy and a dwindling budget though I have a feeling the energy transition occurring now is part of it. I can’t even decide if I care, if I’m numb or, more likely, if I’m just in a space where the hoorah of it all doesn’t matter to me any more.
I used to get excited. I’d shop for a tree after Thanksgiving, decorate it and the house and enjoy every minute. I also spent much of my adult life living away from my parents (both when together and later singly) and traveling at Christmas, so there was a big trip to add some excitement, which often meant also seeing other family members or old friends.
Since I am an only child and never married, there haven’t been children or grandchildren to enjoy the holidays. When my mother first moved back here and I visited, there were lots of friends and family who gave parties at Christmas and we’d hop from one event to another. Then, when I moved here, I added a few annual parties given by friends of mine. Mom’s friends and many of the relatives have died or grown too old to throw parties and my groups have kind of given up, so no big festivities to attend.
Aside from watching too many Hallmark movies, I’ve developed a tradition of attending a candle lighting service at a local “center for spiritual living”, a non-denominational “church”, with a friend of mine. It’s always very moving and filled with love but otherwise Christmas just seems like a slog of buying and trips to the post office.
I managed to create a nice breakfast casserole and then a nice dinner for the day so my mother and I had a couple of special meals. But my father lives far away and I worry about him, always alone. This time he had a Christmas dinner invitation so that was a cause for joy for me.
At this point I mostly feel relief that we’re past another one. All the decorations and hype make me feel like I “should” be experiencing some some sort of gaiety or euphoria for the season but I just don’t care that much about it any more. I can’t even quite decide if I want to try to find the “Christmas spirit” again or if I prefer to just let it go…
I’ve been reading some channeled posts telling me that letting go of Christmas as we’ve known it is part of the move forward into the new world/age. So I’m curious whether this feeling of being kind of removed from Christmas is something others are experiencing or whether I’m just turning into Scrooge 🙂 ?