Circling up the spiral

In the last year or two I’ve been encountering more and more material about the earth moving from 3D to 5D.  One of the characteristics many assume will be present is an easy flow to manifestation.  It has felt right to me at some deep level.

It took a while for me to see that as funny, given the early stages of my journey.  The language is different enough that I didn’t quite get they’re really saying a lot of the same stuff teachers in the 80’s were spreading about manifesting what you want by thinking about it.

New Age teachers like Arnold Patent, Shakti Gawain, and Jack Canfield came out of the woodwork,telling us that if we created a vision and said some affirmations we could create anything we wanted.  Fueled by my reading of a number of Jane Roberts’ channeled works — mainly The Nature of Personal Reality — I jumped on the “I create my own reality” bandwagon.

Affirming and visualizing brought me some great manifestations, like my job at the Governor’s Office of Consumer Services and a straightened left leg (bone twisted since birth moved), but eventually the successes slowed and frustration set in.

Thanks to the deep work at Nine Gates Mystery School,and following it up with the Fisher Hoffman process with then-Nine Gates teacher, Ellen Margron, I began to see how old beliefs and issues can block the path of creation.  Attracting what you want could only work as easily and effortlessly as claimed if you had done the work.  It’s an ideal if everything is operating on the level of energy without blocks in the physical operating.

Over the next few years more teachers started including the idea that some amount of psychological help and clearing of beliefs is part of the package.  But then in 2006 The Secret came out and spread the same “it’s easy” teaching as the 80’s crowd.  The great gift to me from The Secret was seeing how negative thinking impacts our lives, and having learned my lesson, I wasn’t seduced by the “it’s easy” part..

Examining my own thoughts, I realized I might say a few positive affirmations a day but for the other 23 hours and 45 minutes thousands of negative tapes ran through ceaselessly.  Around the same time a lot of teachings about the impact of ancestors led to seeing how negative thought patterns can be passed down through many generations.

So my next phase became lots of work on ancestral patterns and on changing the negative tapes to positive.  I’ve cleared giant amounts of material and I’d say I’ve reached a point of leaning more to the positive in my thinking.  Don’t know that I’ll ever be done, but progressing…

And now I find myself having moved a round or two (or a few) up the spiral along which we progress, circled back to the “it’s easy” place where I began.  When I read assertions that in 5D manifestation will become easier I sense into it, a calm, definitive “yes, that’s true.”  Enough of us have been doing all that clearing and raising vibrations, etc., it makes sense to me we’re on the verge of moving into a place where it’s easier.

There have been Indian gurus over the years who could survive without eating by manifesting energy.  One of my favorite tales involves someone I became acquainted with years ago through my friend Gay.  Hari (now Babaji) had fairly newly arrived back in Marin after going home to India for study with a guru.

He’d been instructed to go back to California with just the clothes on his back.  When I first met him he’d quickly manifested house to live in, places to teach yoga and a following of students; I met him because he came to the attention of Nine Gates and has been teaching for Nine Gates ever since.  Now he’s the leader of the Sonoma Ashram, which has a large tract of land/buildings/gardens in Sonoma and an ashram and a school in India.

Paramahansa Yogananda did it too but I like Hari’s version since his long association with Nine Gates meant meeting him many times.  I can’t quite imagination the faith in abundance required to make such a journey with nothing.  But I feel the power with which such faith creates a world.

When I sense into the 5D, I feel abundance so easily acquired that all our beliefs in the need for financial planning, jobs we hate, careful budgets, etc. will seem old-fashioned and unnecessary.  We may reach a place where we can picture a loaf of bread and then find one in our hands.  And better yet, a world where we can focus on peace and find peace.


The male [sports] world: women have no value


I’ve been following several stories and threads about a variety of sex-related scandals in the sports world for a while now with increasing disgust and consternation.  And, full disclosure, I’m not a sports fan to begin with.  It took a while for me to realize the full import of all these tales:  an underlying theme of women as being disposable, expendable, valueless and only on earth as sex objects.

I’ve chosen to tell the sports story because there has been so much coverage it’s easy to put together the real picture but I’m also realizing this utter disregard for women and their value permeates every level of our society to a far greater degree than I understood.

I’ve chosen two particular stories with lots of headlines and a general trend that’s been drawing media attention.

  1. Michigan State University and Expendable Girls

As the scandal at MSU wore on I started having trouble deciding whether I was more upset by the molestation and rape, the attempts by coaches and other MSU officials to hide it, or the cavalier attitude offered by the Board and President.

The first girl who tried to make it stop came forward in 1997.  She was shushed.  Over the years more girls came forward, only to be dismissed, discouraged from filing a complaint…  By the time people sat up and listened 332 girls THAT WE KNOW OF had been molested and/or raped.

Once MSU officials started looking into allegations they accepted the doctor’s explanation that it was a medical technique being misunderstood and dismissed the girls.  Apparently they didn’t even bother to ask any other medical professionals because the profession says what he was doing was NOT an accepted practice.  It wouldn’t have taken much effort to find that out but you know, it was just girls being molested, no reason to make an effort…

Even after they knew there was a problem, the doctor was allowed to continue as long as he complied with certain conditions.  William Strample, dean of the MSU College of Osteopathic Medicine, later stated he never planned to enforce compliance with these conditions.

Then when the true scope of Nassar’s crimes came out and people called for the university president’s resignation, she denied knowledge and apparently didn’t feel that being in charge meant she should have been aware of what was going on.  Nor could I find a statement from her that made me believe she felt any great degree of sorrow or shock about what went on.

The Board of Trustees supported her initially and the most powerful man on the board, Joel Ferguson, dismissed the whole horror show as “that Nassar thing”, claiming the university had other issues to deal with.  You know, because 332 girls being molested and/or raped is no big deal.  After all, women are only here to be sex objects, otherwise completing lacking in value.

Deeper examinations have shown the university purposefully failed to comply with Title IX for years.  As far as I can find at this time, failure to comply has not affected federal funding to the university in any way.

Ferguson and all of the Board members are elected.  So far there has not been a coalition of women making sure the voting booths are flooded by women voting against his continued tenure there.

In all the coverage, while I’ve seen some outrage and shock, I haven’t really seen anyone stating what to me is obvious:  the fate of women and girls was seen by pretty much everyone in power or authority at the university as unimportant, this “thing” , an inconvenience.  Compared to the importance of sports and the lives of men, horrific crimes being committed against women was insignificant.

Why aren’t fans boycotting all MSU sports until the University proves it is going to treat women as valuable and respected members of their community?  Has there been even a slight dent in ticket sales in response to the enormity of what has happened there?

As far as Title IX I’m willing to bet they’re not by a long shot the only college that has failed to comply but continues to receive federal funds.  Since we never achieved an Equal Rights Amendment, Title IX is one of few protections women have but apparently all the way up to the highest levels of government no one really cares about compliance.

If anybody at any level in this whole tale had thought women were important and that protecting them and their rights matters, there could not possibly have been such blatant disregard for what happened to all these girls and young women.

Twenty Years of Failure: many groups missed chance to stop Larry Nassar

Michigan State settles with Larry Nassar victims for $500 million

Michigan State’s problems start much higher than Larry Nassar and sports coaches

  1. University of Louisville: women are sex objects

This is a basketball-mad state and Lexington is close enough to Louisville I’ve probably heard more about these NCAA violations than most of you who don’t live here.  A number of people on the staff of the UL basketball team and in the athletics department held sex parties for recruits.

The NCAA apparently was mainly concerned about the recruiting violation:  paying for prostitutes and strippers is considered a bribe.  The fact that the university was teaching young men (many of whom were minors) that women are sex objects to be used for their pleasure, apparently nobody cares about that.  Not the NCAA, not the University, not the basketball-loving public, which seems to think basketball has more value than women.

Nope all the conversation here is what it means for UL basketball that they’ve been stripped of their title and that much of the coaching team has been fired.  All concern seems to be for the basketball legacy and how it will survive.

Because using women as sex objects and telling boys and young men this is acceptable apparently is insignificant compared to the importance of basketball.  Maybe not a problem at all.  And contributing to the delinquency of minors also doesn’t count if it’s just making sure they know women exist only for their sexual pleasure.

For me the fact the women were paid doesn’t really matter in the face of the larger message being conveyed.  If you’re a man and good at sports you get to use women for sex, it’s your right and women have none.

Does anybody imagine this is the only school with this type of recruiting inducement? Or do you imagine, as I do, that there are probably many more?

College Basketball Made Louisville, Then Broke It

U of L player told NCAA that an assistant coach blamed bad practice on ‘strippers

  1. Sex, molestation and rape in high schools and colleges

For some time before I binged through the first season of 13 Reasons Why, I’d been noticing a surprising number of tales of whole teams participating in “rape clubs’ .  Young men — particularly those involved in sports — in high school purposefully raping girls and, in come cases, younger teammates and often with the knowledge of coaches and other school personnel.

Some of the “extras” with 13 Reasons included interviews with therapist consultants who talked about such behavior going on across the country in high schools and colleges.  Instead of just noting stories as they came up I started actively looking for stories, trying to get a sense of how big this problem is.  It’s horrifying.

And, to me, even more horrifying than seeing how widespread the problem is, was seeing how thoroughly discounted all the victims are in all these stories.  The worries are all about the money involved in sports, the possible impact on the sports programs, whether it will hurt the university or the school district… whether an athlete’s promising career will be taken off course…

I did a lot of hunting to see what parents were doing to protest.  Nothing.  For all the stories of sex clubs systematically raping girls while officials look the other way, there are no stories of parents banding together and pulling their children out of sports programs until the school implements gender sensitivity training and re-shapes their sports programs to uphold the value of girls.  Nowhere did I find a story of fans turning in their season tickets and boycotting the games to protest a college’s demeaning attitudes toward women.

If boys were taught by their parents and their schools that women are important and have value, would they still think raping girls is acceptable behavior?  If parents believed women’s lives are valuable, wouldn’t they make sure their children know?

If coaches and principles and school boards thought women had value, wouldn’t they move heaven and earth to keep the boys who are under their tutelage from molesting girls instead of pretending it’s not happening and then behaving as if it doesn’t matter when exposed?  If they thought girls had value, would they protect their sports programs and their players over the victims?

If the media thought girls were important, wouldn’t they be focusing on the devastating impact of rape on the girls instead of the impact on the sports team or the money involved in sports or the role of the men?  If schools and tribunals and judges thought girls were important, would so many men be given just a slap on the wrist for rape?

How have we reached a place where it is common across the country for whole groups of boys to molest and rape girls in their schools?  How has it become the norm to pretend it isn’t happening and try to sweep it under the rug? How have women become so devalued that their victim-hood is less important than whether an athletic career is ruined, or a sports franchise is hurt?

NCAA Remains Silent as Athlete Sexual Assault Cases Continue

Rape on Campus: Athletes, Status and the Sexual Assault Crisis

High Schools Are Failing Girls Who Report Sexual Assault

Sports Team Gang Rapes: Are We Breeding Sexual Offenders?


Beyond the sports world, we see evidence of how little men think of women everywhere, from McConnell shutting Elizabeth Warren up to tales of Boards where women members are talked over as if their voices don’t matter to a President whose base thinks sexual harassment is trivial and the ever-growing accusations of the #MeToo movement, we can see our society affords no real respect or value to women.

Where are the fathers who love their mothers, sisters, wives and/or daughters enough to stand up for them?  Where are the mothers with enough self-respect and love for their daughters to say, “no more”?  Why are there no boycotts against teams/sports programs where these things are happening?

There are a few men like Justin Baldoni with the balls to stand up for women and call on men to join the fight.  But otherwise I see “liberals” who don’t stand up when women in congress joining the conservative tendency to throw women to the wolves.  We need a small army of men who love the women in their lives enough to stand up with them and demand equality.

The #MeToo movement is a nice start, but women need to face the deeper reality:  we are not seen as valuable in this society.  An epidemic of sexual assault is just a symptom of the underlying reality.  If we don’t stand up and fight for ourselves, we will never be granted the value and respect we deserve.

My series on women’s issues:


Fashion, women and the veils of patriarchy

A few months ago some of my posts were muses on the current state of women.  It’s an issue I’m still ruminating and this week some things came together for me.  Can’t quite decide if I’m disturbed or energized.  But I am ever more convinced that a shift into a time of greater feminine/Goddess energy requires women to take some long, deep looks at the many ways we’re hooked into the patriarchy.

This rumination started years ago when I began to realize that the “perfect” body coaches and judges demand of gymnasts and figure skaters is basically the body of a pre-pubescent.   Pre-pubescent boy was my first thought, but really the average body type at that stage is about the same for either gender.  Women’s grown bodies… not okay.

And more recently, as I discussed here, I reflected on another piece, the question of women dressing in revealing or “sexy” clothes.  It bugs me how much Hollywood and the fashion industry push for women to be sexy above all else.

Then lately I’ve been running into discussions about how younger women basically are waxing all the hair off their bodies.  Suddenly I got the whole picture of the body type fashion favors:  skinny, flat chest and no body hair.  Okay, we’re back to pre-pubescent.  So we’re permeated by a fashion sense that wants women to look like young girls — or boys — rather than grown up women.

You know, kids  The ones only pedophiles consider sexy.  I’m not sure which disturbs me worse:  that the fashion industry has somehow shaped the world view of sexiness to suit the desires of pedophiles (and wtf is that about?) or that so many women, instead of saying, “screw you, women who look like women — in every shape and size — are sexy and we don’t want your fashion” just jump on board and follow these dictates.

Is pedophilia really so pervasive that this long-standing, widespread effort to tell grown women the only thing that’s sexy is the body of a child hasn’t even been noticed?  Or is everything about women–not to mention children– so unimportant in our society no one is paying that much attention?

And what’s with all the women who get told they’re only sexy if they look like a pedophile’s wet dream and instantly start dieting and taking off all their body hair?  How did so many of the rest of us — us non-fashionistas — not quite see the deeper meaning in all this?  A world view that grown women aren’t desirable unless they look like and — as far as I can see — behave like children.  Now that I’ve noted it, it’s so glaring I can’t understand why this isn’t a national conversation.

I’m a great believer in the divine feminine, in the power of women.  We’re beautiful in every shape and size.  We’re smart, capable, talented, creative and most important, filled with compassionate and loving hearts.  Our compassion is the biggest reason we’re needed in positions of power and authority.  But instead of being celebrated and given equality and power for our wonderful attributes we’re in a male-dominated culture in which we’re treated as disposable, negligible, objects… children.

It’s a culture so pervasive I think most of us women are blind to some aspects of it because we’re too enmeshed in it to see.  I’m excited by the current climate of embracing women’s rights and yet I feel like much of it is dancing around the edges without delving into the deep issues.  It’s time to explore all the ways patriarchy is operating to keep women marginalized and degraded and to stand up for overthrowing all of it.  Not to mention stop colluding in it.

It starts, I feel, with women exploring their own inner landscape and healing all the ways they feel less than, lacking in self worth and/or self-respect, dependent on men, insecure, etc.  We need an army of GROWN, confident women who respect themselves and know their worth. And none of us can make anyone else do it.  It begins with me.  It begins with you.

Sleep deprivation brain

I finally had a decent night of sleep last night — the first full night in several weeks.  Late last night, though, I was tired enough to be loopy.

The super deep, intertwined pieces that are now unwinding have been making some serious headway in the last few days. As weariness set in last night, I was also noticing a bunch of territory around my left eye that has previously been numb and now has feeling and freedom.

Of course, when the unwinding started vast portions of my face and head were numb.  Which led to late night musings about the origins of numbskull….  No please don’t tell me the real story, I kind of like this version 🙂

I’ve also wondered many times how my muscles could have 5 million knots and still leave room for my brain.  Feeling the newly freed areas and pondering the combo of numbness and knottiness leads to wondering how my brain, squeezed up and surrounded by numbness has been working at all.

Which takes me back to the numbskull question for pondering…

Faith comes knocking

For many years now I’ve lived in two worlds when it comes to faith.  On the one hand, I’ve moved more and more into a space in which I feel the energy of all that is and how we’re all connected to one another and the big energy of the Universe.  And I believe the Universe operates on love and wants the best for us.

On the other, when it comes to certain aspects of my personal life, i have no faith at all in a benevolent God or universal Energy that specifically looks out for or assists me.  I realized quite a few years ago I lost faith as a small child when my family was working hard at shutting down the essence of me and I felt God abandoned me.

I’ve been working ever since I noticed its absence on finding that faith while pretty much unsure how you do that.  Doing my practices and lots of affirmations have helped move me in the direction of finding faith.  And to be honest, it’s been a while since I’ve given it a lot of thought.

Then late last week I had two posts about Jesus in my feed on the same day.  Jamie at Sophia’s Children reblogged Defiance, Introducing Mark’s Jesus (which I then reblogged here).  Cynthia Sue Larson posted an interview she did with Gardner Sylvester on his book, The First Great Commandment, concerning his research on the secret code of the Bible through Jesus’ words.

These lovely pieces arrived at a time when I’ve been feeling increasingly put out by the folks who call themselves Christians but quote only the Old Testament (and often mistakenly think Jesus said those things) and seem unfamiliar with the New Testament.  Which is kind of odd since I wasn’t that into it when I grew up Presbyterian…

But my spiritual path has included Unity and the notion of Christ Consciousness as well as explorations of the Gnostic Gospels and other similar teachings, all of which has led to a strong feeling about the presence of an energy in the Universe associated with Christ and love.  And somewhere in there I keep thinking being Christian should be based on love.

It felt so heavenly to read those two posts with their beautiful takes on the love and kindness of Jesus and what it means.  Hours later I reflected on the synchronicity of having them both show up a short time apart and how something fresh breathed through me.

As I contemplated the great loving presence of Christ Consciousness and then the Christ grid Steve Nobel brings down from the sun so often in his meditations, I felt that light fill and surround me as a palpable presence and in that presence I felt safe and protected and understood how it feels to be “in faith”.

I can’t say it is now a permanent state.  But I keep being able to tap into that presence of light and remind myself I am safe and protected.  There are issues of self worth still to heal and I’d say a vestige of the “God abandoned me” issue.  But I’m working.

Today I found another, fairly new, Steve Nobel meditation for clearing fear.  One of the most powerful meditations I’ve done.  I particularly like that he goes through a number of different clearings several times each.  Felt like I shifted a lot of energy, moving even closer to the place of faith where fear can’t dwell…


Sage Advice 1: balance first

A big part of my journey has involved physical issues.  I’ve mentioned my journey through alternative medicine occasionally and people have expressed interest in hearing about what I’ve learned.  So I decided to start occasionally posting “Sage Advice”.

When I first started having issues in the 80’s, western medicine held quite firm on insisting neither chronic fatigue nor fibromyalgia existed.  I knew something was wrong and when I grew tired of hearing them suggest I see a shrink, I turned to alternative medicine.

My first foray into the alternative medicine world was acupuncture, a modality I love and stayed with regularly for 15 or so years.  One of the things I’ve loved most about alternative practitioners is they always try to make sure I understand what’s happening and what I can do to help and my first practitioner, Chicago’s Jody Speckman (still in practice, for any of you in the area) taught me SO much.

One arena of advice has been on my mind a lot lately.  When it came to many things to do with what I ate or drank regularly, she told me not to try to stop cold turkey.  It’s mostly a path of frustration.  And the most unusual corollary:  as you move more into a state of balance your craving for the things that are harmful will naturally fall away.  She suggested I cut back as best I could but to let the desire fade as healing proceeded.

I’d always thought cold turkey seemed like a goofy plan and I was so struck by the idea that it’s more important to work toward a place of greater balance/healthiness.  In this case the acupuncture and a lot of horrible Chinese herbs made into “teas” were doing the work.

As you know, a whole lot of stuff was way off kilter for me, so it’ taken a long time to reach the place where I absolutely see the truth of her advice.  I’ve been slowly changing various dietary habits ever since I started seeing her, especially since she found I have mild allergies to wheat and dairy.  But it took years before shifting those habits combined with therapies to get toward that balance.

Lately, though, I’ve been noticing that I’m more naturally attracted to healthier food.  Not that I don’t still love some fried chicken or a chocolate sundae, but far more often I want something healthier.  And for the first time ever I’ve been drawn to eat kale-broccoli slaw or half a grapefruit for a snack instead of some dark chocolate or a handful of potato chips.

This change arrives at the moment when all the years of alternative therapies and medicines and my own spiritual and physical activities have paid off in feeling better than I have in years. Not sure Jody foresaw it would be 30 years down the road before I hit the place of balance to which she referred 🙂 , but it’s so true that when your health is in better shape you tend to crave more of the things that keep it healthy.

It seems such a kinder way to treat yourself.  I’ve watched so many people struggle with going cold turkey off of things and then feeling depressed by failure, a slower gentler approach makes so much more sense to me.  And then it’s so easy when you have improved enough to have healthier cravings.

So first advice:  work toward balance and then watch your habits change to hold the new, better feeling.

Oy the energy… the transition… the cranky


Energetically speaking, for me there’s so much going on these days I have trouble deciding: which kind of energy, what started it, whether it’s me or some cosmic shift…  The unwinding is opening nadis and letting prana flow and grow.  Kundalini seems to be back (or maybe never went away…).  Supposedly cosmic forces are moving us along and flooding us with energy big time.

Besides being “buzzy” with gigantic amounts of energy running through me, lately I’ve been noticing a certain cranky factor.  It shows up just in certain situations and the rest of the time isn’t apparent.  It particularly shows up when I’m watching TV and some type of character I don’t like is a major part of the story.  Types whom I’ve always found mildly irritating are suddenly launching me into fury.

For instance, on NCIS LA, one of the two new characters this season I just never much liked (the other I adored though according to the cliffhanger she may not be back next season).  Most of the season I just kind of ignored her.  But in the finale she played a big part and every officious, obnoxious character trait (not to mention her whistling S’s) seemed exaggerated and especially annoying.

I spent the whole episode waving my fists and shouting, “would somebody just please shoot her (the character, not the actress) and put us all out of our misery???!!!”  “Or at least put tape over her mouth so we don’t have to listen to her?”  Now, it wouldn’t have been all that unusual for me to roll my eyes, grunt, and fast forward every time she showed up.  But shouting and shaking fists, that’s a bit unusual.  And as a basic pacifist, pretty odd for me to want somebody shot…

This total impatience for characters who offend me — and officiousness, which has been a very popular character trait the last couple of years, is something that really bugs me — accompanied by a sense of fury, is kind of new.  I’m aware of the spike in emotion every time it happens.

And then there’s #45.  I didn’t like him long before he ran for President and I’ve certainly been annoyed by plenty since his election.  But now when he shows up on my TV screen, I start gagging and crossing my fingers in the sign to ward off evil.  Again, some unpleasant muttering and eye rolling wouldn’t have been unusual in the past.  On my good days followed by saying the lovingkindness chant.  But now I feel like I’m erupting.

I’m trying to decide whether these sudden flares of temper are reflecting something in me that’s clearing.  Or, since I’m inclined to pick up on others’ energy, am I picking up on the general atmosphere of discord and working it out through my reactions to what I see on screen?  Or are some of these cosmic energies that are supposedly flooding us these days creating bigger emotional reactions than usual?  Is the constant big flow of energy creating irritation?  All of the above?

It’s been going on at least a couple of months so I know most things about alignments of stars, etc. have shifted more than once while this has been going on which has me I’m assuming it’s not about the movement of planets and such.

Since lots of you in this community are following all this stuff about this time of transition and are sensitive to energy, I’m curious whether anyone else is experiencing weird stuff like this?  Or are aware of info about the transition that would explain any of this.  Or just, you know, have any thoughts?