Worthiness–Less and More

Salty Being Peace

Salty Being Peace

Note:  my comment on yesterday’s Prayer for Peace is on the Facebook page.

A few days ago a post on Brenda’s Blog left me spinning and thinking and wow-ing.  She wrote that if you’re not healthy or struggling for money then you’re not feeling worthy — worth-less.  Since I’ve been dealing with my health for 25+ years and through much of that time I’ve hovered on the brink of financial disaster, it struck a chord.

I realized some time ago that the ongoing health issues are tied to the financial issues –in more than the obvious way that I can’t work regular hours.  But the notion that both conditions reflect a state of feeling worth-less isn’t quite a way I’d looked at it.  Not that I haven’t hit issues about self-worth and worked on them in this many years of searching but I didn’t realize that something that deep around those issues still held on.

I’ve been walking around thinking and whispering, “I’m worth MORE” ever since.  It’s been another example for me of the many ways this condition of twisted up muscles creating body armor has not only affected everything but also has symbolized some key aspects of my being and issues.  In the post she spoke of keeping ourselves small.  A goose bumps moment for me because years ago my very talented and perceptive acupuncturist commented as he put the needles in, “It’s okay for you to be big.  You don’t have to make yourself small any more.”*

Mentally since that day I have worked on that and affirmed myself as big.  But my feeling is that as long as my body has been holding a tight, SMALL core that’s been impacting my ability to actually be big.  I’ve written many posts about this long healing journey [in the search box on the right put in healing journey Monday if you’re interested].  And I’ve written about how it sometimes takes a while.

In spite of all that work and digging through my psyche, the self-worth issues seem to be present still.  It will take some digging to figure out the source though I think some strong “don’t be” messages have permeated many areas of my life and although I’ve examined that issue I don’t think I’ve found every place where it affects me.  I’m so grateful to Brenda for the post that helped me see this.

Sometimes the process of figuring these things out takes a long time and has many stages.  The first time I accidentally hit publish on this post it had a different ending about a “Slow Movement”.  I’ll be posting that one next.

* If you’re lucky enough to be in the SF area you can check him out in Mill Valley:  Raymond Himmel.  He also has a blog.