As I’ve previously mentioned, one of the things I appreciate about appointments with Hanna is her intuitive ability. She receives information and images while she’s working, and because she knows I love that feedback, she tells me what she’s receiving.
Last Friday she picked up some information about how long and hard I’d worked to get to this place and that I wouldn’t have been able to do it had I had children. I’ve known that for a long time but felt it on a deeper level when she said it. And then instantly had the thought that it wouldn’t have happened had I been married either.
“I had to be alone to do this,” I said, and knew it was true on a profound level.
I’m not saying this would be true for everyone. I’m sure there are plenty of wives and mothers who’ve made huge strides along a spiritual path and I’ve known some. But I know my nature well enough to know that if a husband and/or children had been in the picture I would not have dug as deep, been as single-minded nor accomplished anything like as much. More likely I would not have moved at all.
I’ve been running this moment of truth through my head periodically ever since, trying to take in the import. Hanna mentioned thousands of family members now and in the future are, on some level, thanking me for what I’ve freed for my whole line. On one hand I’m so happy to think the work I’ve done has helped others. On the other I see-sawed a bit over how I feel about not having the husband and children I’d have loved to have.
At the age and stage when I’d have been having babies, I know I’d have turned out some more beings who were twisted up by both me and the ancestral baggage, so for a long time I’ve been kind of glad I never messed up some more kids. And yet I’m occasionally a little sad nonetheless about not having any.
Although it’s been a lonely path in some ways, I’m pretty good at being alone; a friend once commented she didn’t think she knew anyone who could be as comfortable alone. At this stage, I see this path of healing the ancestral lineages as a big part of the reason I’m here and I accept that being alone to do it was just part of the deal.
Right now I’m in the process of setting up the joint healing session to clear the last piece in my head. I have no illusions about being issue-free at that point but the stuff going on in my head has been tough to take. I’ve also been aware of it as the remaining piece that has most hung up my life from moving forward so for me this is an ending point.
At least the end of this particular piece of my long healing journey and pretty much–mostly– the end of the physical healing related to muscles. Unlike spiritual growth, which I see as infinite, I do see muscles as finite and thus healing them as a process with an ending. Not that muscles aren’t always impacted by daily life and constantly changing, but the tools I now regularly use to keep them healthy and aligned should help me maintain and/or restore balance as needed.
It didn’t take much time pondering to move from looking back to turning to the future, wondering what the new life unfolding will look like, optimistic it will be good and content to let it reveal itself in its own time… And in the meantime there is the NOW when I am (1) happily feeling proud of what I’ve accomplished and the courage and tenacity it has taken to do it and (2) feeling the current measure of relief in what has opened and enjoying the increasing freedom in my head.