Julianne from Through a Peacock’s Eyes left a comment a couple of days ago in which she used her awesome ability to read energy and told me my energy has transformed a lot in the last couple of years. I really appreciated getting the confirmation since shifted energy is all I can feel. It set off swirls of thinking about trying to count progress when inner growth and changing energy are the only indicators.
Some years ago one of my teachers mentioned that one of her favorite things about hanging around with me was watching me constantly transforming. It was a nice recognition of the fact that I have never stopped working on myself, doing practices, looking inward, releasing, etc. Those confirmations help me because I get a little lost when all the change is energetic and/or inside. Sometimes I start wondering if I’m just imagining I’m different or if anything has moved in my life.
When I started this path I was deeply unhappy. Drawn to a therapist who used meditation and other metaphysically-based techniques, I loved the new world to which she introduced me but I was there to figure out how to be happy, how to find work I loved and wanted to do, to cope better in the world. I DO cope better, but I’m financially far worse off than when I started and my outward life/world has changed very little.
Somewhere along the way the practices led me to value the spiritual side of the journey but I still have the desire to live a different and more fulfilling life. Right now it’s pretty different because all the troubles with my health that have had to be dealt with as part of this journey have left me barely doing anything. I have to dig deep quite often to find any faith that all of this work and changing and shifting energy actually leads somewhere; and that it leads somewhere I want to go…
Hmm… Set out to have a better life and the two main outward indicators of progress are I’m poorer and I don’t do much. Hmm… But I’m calmer and kinder and healthier and I have found a hard won equanimity in which the world no longer buffets me easily from one emotional crisis to another. I’m far healthier. And my energy keeps changing.
Some days it’s hard to keep going along the path down which my intuition is leading me because I just want for life to change in measurable ways. I’ve seen people wander away from this journey because their frustration at the seeming lack of progress became too great. It has me wondering how many people give up when the journey outwardly seems to take them nowhere?
I feel my journey has moved so slowly because I am sort of a culminating point of ancestral issues and past life issues creating blocks throughout my being. It’s taken years to clear away all the debris that’s had me stuck. And it doesn’t seem like there’s a lot of conversation out there about this kind of journey. I know I’m not by any means alone at starting off with lots of movement and excitement and then running into a tangled web of issues that take forever to unwind.
How many people lose their way because there’s so little support or information about a long, slow slog through the dark night? So much New Age style literature implies that you should be able to just change your “mind” in an instant and start living a different life. I’ve seen very few people for whom it’s happened that fast; and of those it’s generally been people who have a dream not that far off from the life they already lead who achieve change so quickly.
Makes me happy again about all that tenacity and determination I got from my ancestors because this version of the journey is slow and frustrating. I don’t know that I’d have stuck with it but for their legacy. I’m curious to hear stories from other bloggers of experiences — whether their own or friends’–with a slower, longer journey, keeping faith, etc.
Don’t forget it’s time to set time aside for Collective Prayer Sunday!