When the only change is energy…

from: http://www.vishvarupa.com/aum-om-omkara-pranava.html


Julianne from Through a Peacock’s Eyes left a comment a couple of days ago in which she used her awesome ability to read energy and told me my energy has transformed a lot in the last couple of years.  I really appreciated getting the confirmation since shifted energy is all I can feel.  It set off swirls of thinking about trying to count progress when inner growth and changing energy are the only indicators.

Some years ago one of my teachers mentioned that one of her favorite things about hanging around with me was watching me constantly transforming.  It was a nice recognition of the fact that I have never stopped working on myself, doing practices, looking inward, releasing, etc.  Those confirmations help me because I get a little lost when all the change is energetic and/or inside.  Sometimes I start wondering if I’m just imagining I’m different or if anything has moved in my life.

When I started this path I was deeply unhappy.  Drawn to a therapist who used meditation and other metaphysically-based techniques, I loved the new world to which she introduced me but I was there to figure out how to be happy, how to find work I loved and wanted to do, to cope better in the world.  I DO cope better, but I’m financially far worse off than when I started and my outward life/world has changed very little.

Somewhere along the way the practices led me to value the spiritual side of the journey but I still have the desire to live a different and more fulfilling life.  Right now it’s pretty different because all the troubles with my health that have had to be dealt with as part of this journey have left me barely doing anything.  I have to dig deep quite often to find any faith that all of this work and changing and shifting energy actually leads somewhere; and that it leads somewhere I want to go…

Hmm…  Set out to have a better life and the two main outward indicators of progress are I’m poorer and I don’t do much.  Hmm…  But I’m calmer and kinder and healthier and I have found a hard won equanimity in which the world no longer buffets me easily from one emotional crisis to another.  I’m far healthier.  And my energy keeps changing.

Some days it’s hard to keep going along the path down which my intuition is leading me because I just want for life to change in measurable ways.  I’ve seen people wander away from this journey because their frustration at the seeming lack of progress became too great.  It has me wondering how many people give up when the journey outwardly seems to take them nowhere?

I feel my journey has moved so slowly because I am sort of a culminating point of ancestral issues and past life issues creating blocks throughout my being.  It’s taken years to clear away all the debris that’s had me stuck.  And it doesn’t seem like there’s a lot of conversation out there about this kind of journey.  I know I’m not by any means alone at starting off with lots of movement and excitement and then running into a tangled web of issues that take forever to unwind.

How many people lose their way because there’s so little support or information about a long, slow slog through the dark night?  So much New Age style literature implies that you should be able to just change your “mind” in an instant and start living a different life.  I’ve seen very few people for whom it’s happened that fast; and of those it’s generally been people who have a dream not that far off from the life they already lead who achieve change so quickly.

Makes me happy again about all that tenacity and determination I got from my ancestors because this version of the journey is slow and frustrating.   I don’t know that I’d have stuck with it but for their legacy. I’m curious to hear stories from other bloggers of experiences — whether their own or friends’–with a slower, longer journey, keeping faith, etc.

Don’t forget it’s time to set time aside for Collective Prayer Sunday!


22 thoughts on “When the only change is energy…

  1. I love this post! And I had to chuckle at your wanting to hear from people who’ve had a longer or slower journey who’ve been able to keep at it. Well, one of the things I know about myself is that I am not very patient, although I am very persistent. I only “woke up” almost 5 years ago now (early spring of 2011), and my quest has been one of wanting to feel better about myself and my life. Although, in all honesty, the awakening happened in my search to help my son and his challenges. I now see that we created a life plan to help each other.

    That said, for the past few years I’ve been working with a local soul directed hypnotherapist who helps me dig deep into the root cause of things in my life that I’m not happy about. I’ve worked on painful relationships with a few family members, some physical conditions that were out of whack, and a biggie for me has been my relationship with food. I’ve also been able to create personal boundaries and take back power that I gave away at times during my life. In doing this work, the biggest thing I notice is that the world around me is much the same, but how I interact with it, and how I feel deep down about myself, is quite different. And my son keeps doing better and better (and my husband is even coming around a bit). Basically, the hypnosis for me is soul retrieval (re-patterning beliefs). And when I’m having a tough day or want clarification about something, I’m very lucky to have an extremely intuitive and knowledgeable girlfriend/sister-friend/mentor who I can text or call.

    You mention: “I am sort of a culminating point of ancestral issues and past life issues creating blocks throughout my being.” Are you saying that you are still dealing with these blocks, or are you able to discover them and through them? Not sure from how you put it. No matter what, you’re doing great!

    • I’d be interested in hearing from people who stopped the journey when it took too long too, so if you know any of those, send ’em over 🙂 .
      Seems like it often happens that parents and children have an interweaving plan.
      Your hynotherapy sounds really good. I like your phrase about how the world around you stays the same, it’s how you deal with it. Kind of what I mean about equilibrium but I like that way of putting it.
      I don’t personally think it’s all that likely that every single thing will be cleared — and some teachers say not possible…– but I think I’ve moved a mountain or two. By culminating point I just meant that a whole stream of family traits — particularly some that show up in multiple branches of the family, have all shown up in me. And I’m not necessarily the only one as I’d say at least a few of my cousins got a bunch too… but of course they all have input from a branch unrelated to me…

  2. Personally for me Leigh, I found I only had impatience because I hadn’t ‘found’ what I was looking for….but many years later, in hindsight, it was only the fact that I was still dealing with issues that brings that ‘impatience’ to the surface.
    Now that I have dealt with many issues, I am at peace within myself….and that is the core issue. until I deal with ‘me’, impatience was my friend.
    Now I love me, each wrinkly beautiful bit, it no longer matters anymore BECAUSE I do accept me exactly as I am. While ever there is something not sorted and understood, the urge to ‘find’ that peace is always there.
    And when I finally understood what unconditional love really was, I could finally ‘see’ that it was ALL about how I felt about me. While ever an issue of self worth or fear was within, it held me back, and it only ever let go when I finally looked deeper within myself to see what was driving those issues.
    And believe me, can we hide some of those issues….but I suppose we’ve had a lifetime to practice it. It is second nature to us because of how we have learned to cope with them 🙂
    Don’t take that as a negativity towards you, it is just how it works. it is meant to test us, so that when we finally see what has been driving them, we really understand because of how hard it has been to go through some very tough trials, and then appreciate and love ourselves more because of that.
    If it was easy we would forget it the next day. This way it is very much taken to heart, and that understanding brings us the peace and happiness that we have so long searched for. We are finally free from what has held us back for so long.
    And trust me, the beauty that I now can see, is everywhere. I just walk along with a smile because there is no longer anything there to take it from me….I no longer have any issues because I am at peace within myself…I no longer attract anything (negatively) because i have truly dealt with those things that did attract them.
    That now only attracts one thing….the positive bits…and slowly those pieces are now falling into place. I no longer stress about money, jobs or some soul mate from heaven. Actually, that is not totally true, I still have a ‘need’ to share my life with someone, and because of that I ‘know’ that there are still some relationship issues that I must see. But overall I can feel and see that I’m ok.
    Slowly and surely we become that unconditional love that is within us all…and that is what God/the Universe/whatever wants for us….but the only way to get there…is for us to find us.
    I have seen this so many times now, within me and many others. It can’t be bought, sold or get a stand in. It is all for us to find, and ‘know’ this journey in that sudden understanding within that it has always been there all the time, just covered over by those fears in life.
    Oops, got a bit excited, it’s nearly a post 🙂 Enjoy the journey Leigh…one day you will ‘see’, and you will know it was all worthwhile 🙂 Namaste

    • Most of the time I do enjoy the journey and my moments of impatience or wondering if this is ever going anywhere are few and short-lived. But I have known people who couldn’t feel the inner change or the energy shifts and gave up because it seemed to them there were going nowhere… That was kind of the main thrust of my meandering thoughts about it.
      Appreciate your insights, as always. Thanks!

  3. I am very intrigued by the questions you raise. I will reflect further and get back to you. In response to your story, I would venture a guess that most of your journey was pre-planned between incarnations with your blessing. I think there is wiggle room regarding how quickly one moves, but it is probably only a little. What do you think?

    Namaste, Linda

    • I imagine much of it was pre-planned. My guides have mentioned many times, though, that my early years wound up tougher than the original plan (after all, the beings who make those plans get to have free will when they get here) so this journey has been longer than originally expected. Who knows??? As far as whether the time it takes has wriggle room, interesting question. I tend to think there are moments of choice that shorten or extend the time line and that some drag their feet by making slow-down choices and some speed it up by making choices that move it along. But I have no evidence to back me up on that. Interesting question!

  4. The inner changes you mention are awesome. Since there are so many things we can’t control on the outside….it seems to me the inner work is the priority, because it prepares you for whatever comes. Every now and then I just want to grab my life and push and pull it into at least easier, if not better shape, but then realize it’s the cart before the horse. Every stage of life has a marching song……after a certain age my became simply “Persevere.” Blessings….

  5. Great post Leigh, you have touched on what many people on a spiritual path encounter – how to continue spiritual growth and also find harmony in material successes. And by material success, I don’t mean money, necessarily, (though that never hurts!) I mean on the material plane, the physical, and perhaps more practical side of things.

    It doesn’t have to be either/or. If you are feeling restless about what direction you want your material path to go, perhaps this is an indication that it is time to pay a bit more attention, focus on figuring out what you want to do, what direction you want to take. You’ve reached a level of development where you will be examining this from a state of spiritual awareness, and growth,

    My take on it is that up until now, you simply had too much work to do internally, but now that you’ve advanced on that level, perhaps it is time to shift your focus, Not away from spiritual growth, but towards and inclusive of change in the material world. Seek the material through your place of harmony, and look within for guidance.

    All the best to you!

    • Yes, i feel I’m on the cusp of moving from a LONG period of doing the internal work to a period of bring the transformed me into the material world more. Nice thoughts, thank you.

  6. There have been so many times over the years I tried to walk away from the healing journey, and found it impossible. I came to realize my life is not my own. Life is living itself through me/as me and will do what it wants. It’s only when I take it personally that I run into trouble – for years now that trouble has been on and off pain in my hips/knees/shins. Still unwinding in my own way Leigh, and I guess it ends when it ends. One thing I’m deeply grateful for is I was given a chance to (mostly) heal money issues through Don’s support. My hips/legs have a story to tell me, about moving forward or not, about desiring something more, or not, about where I’m holding on and taking it all too personally. I do know what your writing about. I think we’re both *fabulous*!!

  7. I will share a little of what my guides told me when I was on a long dark path seemingly stuck… They said when we appear to be stagnant and not moving forward.. We are in fact progressing at our best… In hindsight when I look back.. It was only through those periods of inaction and doubt that led me to where I needed to be..

    Know you are where you need to be and will get to where you are needed 🙂 Love and Blessings Sue

    • Good point. It depends how I look at it whether it’s been stagnant or not. It’s been 30 years and internally I’ve almost never stopped moving while externally my life has seemed to be stalled… I keep holding onto faith that this has been the journey I needed…

  8. Greetings, Leigh. I appreciate what you’ve shared (and recognize a bit here and there from my own journey, too).

    You wrote: “How many people lose their way because there’s so little support or information about a long, slow slog through the dark night? So much New Age style literature implies that you should be able to just change your “mind” in an instant and start living a different life.”

    This is so true, and it certainly doesn’t help to be surrounded by those ‘quick and easy’ shoulda messages. Long, slow slog through the dark night is more like it … that’s how you know it’s a dark night journey (that was the case with my own journey, and also for others I’m aware of or work with).

    Sharing from your own experience in musings like this will be like adding little candles here and there for others traveling the dark night.

    Blessings and resilience to you!

    • Yes, it is hard to be surrounded by those messages. Even knowing they’re not well-founded, they periodically give me a moment’s pause when I wonder if I’m doing something wrong to have been at it so many years (30 and counting) without having apparently created significant material change. Then I take a breath and let it go… Hard though the long dark night is, I wouldn’t trade the traversing of it for a single illusory short-cut to happiness.

  9. As promised, I am back to forge a reply to your request to hear from others. Between 2006 and 2009, and then from mid 2012 till the present, I found( find) myself in a cycle of much material loss ( resources, people, pets, etc) that seems to drag on and on. While the 2010 to 2012 period was more stable financially, my health began to worsen and so did my ability to work. I know that 9 or so years is not a big percentage of my life, but the timing is odd. It is in midlife where I seem to be less able to tolerate drama and work with those that are toxic. I also find that my ability to manifest solutions has been weakened. My desire to be productive at this point has not faltered. Astrology points to why I have entered this dormant cycle, but it has not affected everyone in my age group undergoing similar astro transits. For me the loss of people and pets has activated emotional energies that seem to have caused imbalances in my physical body. Stress, grief, disappointment, resentment, etc,,,

    What I have discovered during this time period is a renewal of my interest in the arts. Which lad me to blogging and so on. I don’t want to take up too much space here, but as I continue to awaken to what is “real”, I have less concerns about material success ( less, but still some.) I am amazed at my stability in the face of so much darkness. I am also amazed that I have been able to get support in some surprising ways. If you want to continue this discussion via email, I would be game.

    Thanks for giving me the space to review this and take a fresh look. I have only begun to scratch the surface here.

    love, Linda

  10. Pingback: More awakening unfolds | Not Just Sassy on the Inside

Please add your thoughts; love a good discussion!

Please log in using one of these methods to post your comment:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.