Change… arriving slowly… I’m back?… sort of?

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I’ve been trying to write this post for a while now, about some changes slowly cropping up. But it’s a tale for which I can’t seem to quite get the thread or a moral to the story.  I find I want to tell my blogging buddies anyway, so thought I’d just do a stream of consciousness telling and… who knows, maybe I’ll find a thread.

In September of last year I wrote a series of posts on the “Winds of Change”, describing my feeling that change was afoot.  Not much seemed to change outwardly although the healing continued unfolding and inwardly I felt a shift in progress.

Some months later I started noting how sedentary my life became in the last couple of years.  With the lack of sleep, headaches and unwinding misery, I rarely said yes to invitations, and spent far too much time with laptop in my lap and the TV on.  I began feeling it was time to do more and soon “seeing” glimpses of myself doing more.

Some time passed before that changed but in the last few months I’ve slowly been getting back to a more regular yoga/exercise routine.  And in little ways, I find myself breaking pattern and feeling hyper-aware of how good it felt to step out of the stagnant rut I’ve been in.

The first major moment came shortly after Wayne Dyer’s death.  Hay House offered free viewing of his film, “The Shift”.   I’d seen it before but felt I’d like to take advantage.  My mother was interested in seeing it too.  Lacking the right cable to connect my laptop to the TV, I set up the17″  laptop on a dining table on our sun porch and the two of us settled to watch.

The sun porch has lots of windows and a pretty view of the back yard and I used to spend a lot of time out there.  Not only did I thoroughly enjoy the movie, but it was so great to be using the laptop without having it in my lap, to be watching a movie on it instead of having the TV on, and really nice to be sitting with the view as backdrop to the movie.

Just a small thing if you’re leading a normal life, but a long list of changes from what had become the norm for me.  And that one evening of little changes felt like it cracked a door open.  It felt amazing to have spent an evening at home so differently than usual.  Slowly, slowly I say yes to a little more.

Since then I spend more time each day with music instead of TV as I type and browse.  Put aside the laptop more often to actually watch something instead of half listening.  Switch off the computer and the TV more often to practice yoga or read.  Started writing things by hand occasionally; many years into the computer age I still preferred to write longhand and then type but when I got my beloved current computer I just started doing everything on it.

This week it was realizing that we’d been having really nice weather and I’ve not been getting outside at all.  I used to walk fairly regularly (though I’m a fair weather walker – in fact, sort of the princess and the pea of walkers when it comes to weather and willingness) and did some gardening.  In California (where walking and weather worked well for me) I often sat out on the deck around the house as well as having a favorite walk around the neighborhood.  But this last couple of years of unwinding, exhaustion, pain and general lethargy found me indoors far too much.

A few days ago I suddenly decided I needed to be out and I popped out to take a short walk around the lower loop of our neighborhood park.  Just 10 or 12 minutes (because of muscle issues I have to start slow and build), but it cracked the door a little wider.  I’m now three short walks in and it feels SO good!

I’m still up and down with sleeping, etc. so I’m not committing to a daily anything — right now that’s just a recipe for failure or at least disappointment, but as I ride the upward waves when I feel better, I come back to life more and more.  Gives me hope on the down days that on the flip side there is life.

As I pondered, I realized I often receive inklings of change long before it arrives and then begin to “see” glimpses of doing new things or performing something differently, etc. for some time before the change manifests in everyday life.  I grow impatient because, once I’ve seen it, I expect it… tomorrow!  In realizing the pattern, I can see there’s a period of gestation between the moment I first sense it and the arrival.  And I seem to have visions/glimpses of what’s coming in more detail as I move closer.

Aside from that, I don’t have a big take away about all this.  Just watching the changes unfold slowly and feeling increasingly hopeful as I return to being me–a new me but also more of the me I knew than I’ve seen in a while…  Dang, no thread 🙂

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18 thoughts on “Change… arriving slowly… I’m back?… sort of?

    • Thanks. And yes, there are threads, but in the writing sense of a thematic thread that leads to a specific conclusion, I never got there. In fact different attempts at tying it up led in different directions…

      • You are being gifted with many possibilities then Leigh….just follow your heart….as you have done for this post….or it would be sitting unfinished on your laptop. I personally enjoyed the journey you shared, it showed you…exactly as you are. Thank you for sharing, those words have many insights 🙂

  1. You say no thread. Change is the thread. And how the resistance to change little by little drops. And the door cracks open. We are the catalysts to our own changes, aren’t we? I am inside changes and have been for some time. I tried “committing” but that stifled the changes under the illusion of control. I’ve decided to let it flow and focus my effort on stop resisting it and it yielded a more organic and fluid experience. It feels like riding a tsunami wave all the time but I think I have now stopped succumbing to fear and accepted that I feel the fear and do it anyway. And that feels amazing despite being amazingly scary. Thank you so very much for sharing your thoughts, much gratitude and love to you.

    • As Mark noted, there are a few threads in the sense of motifs in the story, but the thread I never found was in the writing sense: one theme I felt called to follow to a definitive conclusion.
      Sounds like you’ve had quite a journey! I think for me this long process with my muscles has been in part an invitation to surrender and let it flow as it goes, so I have some familiarity with wave riding.

  2. I absolutely agree with Mark and Aura. This is a beautiful story about you slowly letting life unfold, taking small steps, making small changes, and being open to the changes in your life, seeking ways to align your outside life with your soul. Such a beautiful journey. Thank you so much for sharing! xo

  3. I agree with the commenters above. There is a thread and it is wonderful to witness the unfolding and unwinding of your life. For many , there is a gap? between the vision and the action. I have had prophetic dreams sometimes where I did not realize they were until much later in retrospect. This is because what I was dreaming took hold much later or perhaps in a different form.

    I am like you in that I love my tv and computer, They comfort me and i grew up with tv comforting me. But it is about you following your intuition and then breaking through with new activities, etc that you are now drawn to.

    Thank you for sharing this here 🙂

    Namaste, Linda

    • Good to hear that the “gap” happens often. I’d not really been aware of picking things up so far in advance before — I think because of the long “gaps” I often discounted what I’d “known” because it didn’t seem to come to pass. Nice to think my experience of that delay is shared by others.

  4. The thread I see and relate to is that we have to consciously decide what we need and discipline ourselves to do it because we have a tendency to do what is easy when we are uncomfortable and don’t feel well. I’ve noticed that my energy always starts dropping around 3:00pm. If I take a walk in the late afternoon, it gives me an energy boost and I have more energy for fixing supper or doing things in the evening and I sleep better. With that energy drop, it is easy to say “no” to the walk, but I do it anyway because I always feel better. Once in a while I take a day off, but never two in a row because I know each day I skip makes it harder to choose to walk the next day. Right now I have a lot of health issues going on and that requires me to do a lot of things on a regular basis so I’ve established a routine for each day. I know this approach doesn’t work for everyone, but it helps me to stay on track.
    Sounds like you are in a good place, and I’m wishing you the best!

    • Sorry to hear you have a lot of health issues. Nice that you have the energy and discipline to keep to a regular schedule. This phase of the journey for me has seemed to be about letting go of the discipline that always kept me pushing forward no matter what. New challenge as I grow stronger is to figure out how to get some discipline back with more balance and flexibility than I used to have…
      Thanks!

  5. I like what Liz said. So often we think change has to be huge and dramatic, but the changes that last often are when we change by inches. Sounds like you are in process without feeling pressured or stressed. Saying some for you on your journey.

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