[It’s just about peace time again so look at your Sunday schedule and see where you can set aside 10 minutes for peace. See the Collective Prayer Sunday page for more info.]
Since my major healing experience in the spring I’ve been assuming that any moment the last vestiges of unwinding muscles will finish and this long journey of healing will at last be over. I’ve worked for this a long time and of course I’m pleased, but I’m also aware of an undercurrent of wondering, “When I’m not completely devoted to healing, who am I? What do I do?”
Soon after the spring healing I had a big idea for a new blog/business ad/venture and began daydreaming it and then starting to plan. Just when I felt ready to make a list of components and start calling around to get prices and prepare a budget for a GoFundMe fundraiser, I suddenly started getting an inner message to wait.
I feel like I’ve been waiting for years to get beyond the health stuff, so this surprised me. I decided to ask my guides in meditation whether I really needed to wait. This time I was told not to start the project for a year! Since then I’ve been alternating between reeling at the idea of such a long wait and feeling rebellious about it.
In the last few days, though, several things have been coming together, from a conversation in a daily e-mail check-in with a friend to a post from Liz at be.love.live discussing a period of aligning to thinking about earlier stages of my journey for this week’s Dungeon Prompt post. Yesterday I suddenly understood.
Long ago I mentioned a spell of being in the void after both finishing the Fischer-Hoffman process and setting off kundalini (thanks to the processing) around the same time. Ellen, the facilitator, explained this period of “the void” is normal and advised that I just flow with it instead of trying to reconstitute my sense of self — which would almost inevitably mean calling back things I’d released. So I sat.
During that work I released so much of who I’d been, realized many things I thought I wanted arose from issues instead of any true heart’s calling, and let go of so many behavior patterns, I felt I didn’t know who I was any more. In some ways, even though many people think I have an unusually strong sense of self, I’ve continued to feel as though I don’t know who I am in spite of a strong core.
The uncertainty inherent in this loss of self hasn’t bothered me for some reason. It’s not like all of me disappeared. I still love chocolate and really good coffee 🙂 I’m still a feminist and a human rights advocate though I handle both differently now. I also have new interests and passions, but no sense of one as “my calling”.
Even the new blog/website idea is more a way of making my movement classes and some other healing work available on line so anyone can benefit without me personally having to teach classes or build a following. I don’t feel called to teach yoga or movement and my guidance is that’s not what I’m here to do. Still, after fiddling with the Psychophysical Method and yoga until I’d developed movement sets that created miracles for my body, I’d like it to be available to others.
As my thoughts meandered through the who-am-I issues, and especially “what do I do when I’m not just getting healthy”, I read Liz’s post and thought, “Aligning.” That’s what the year is for. I’ve spent years letting go and letting go and letting go but rarely taking time to let things integrate. Suddenly I understood why my guidance is telling me not to finish healing and leap immediately to the next thing.
I’ve already intuitively felt I’d need at least a couple of months of rest after this ordeal with my muscles. Now I’m seeing the year as a chance to become acquainted with my new healthy body, to explore new limits. A chance to get back to schedules and re-achieve ground that’s been lost during this last,wild phase of healing muscles. Most important, it’s an opportunity to meditate and walk and think and go inward with questions about what’s next. To ponder options from a standpoint of health and energy instead of trying to figure out what I can do within serious limits.
Long ago I thought I had answers about what I came here to do. Those answers no longer seem to fit or at least they need to do some morphing to suit this changed version of me. Music, the great passion of my childhood and adolescence is no longer a path I care to pursue. I thought at one time I’d write novels, but I’m not sure it’s really my talent. New interests and paths have opened. So many unknowns, so many possibilities.
I used to love doing Runes readings for myself and I often drew the Rune, Jera, or Harvest. A key part of the meaning is that you’ve sown the seeds but now you must wait; my Rune book specifically says “one year”. Impatience has been a big issue for me throughout this journey and I’ve never wanted to hear that I have to wait some more (bear in mind this healing stuff started THIRTY YEARS ago for me and has progressed one small step at a time) so I generally ignored the waiting part and concentrated on the harvest part for my interpretation.
Hopefully one day my guidance can tell me to wait for a year and I’ll just do it without asking why 🙂 In the meantime, I felt I needed answers before I’d agree to wait. Once the answers converged to the aha moment of understanding, I nodded and thought, “A year. I need a year.” Sometimes your Higher Self has a plan on a different schedule than yours…