The Dungeon Prompt for this week:
That Now I Get It Moment
Though we may still feel like we don’t “get-it” we’ve all had moments in our life that rocked our world and caused us to look at everything differently. Whether it was bottoming out or having a religious awakening, the discovery of what you want to spend the rest of your life doing, or understanding that you can no longer stick with the career you’ve invested years in, we’ve all had moments when we realized that we’d been going about this thing called life all wrong. What was your, oh-now-I-get-it moment?
For one of these prompts a while back I wrote about the turning point moment when I started my spiritual journey. At the time my feeling was “now I get it”. And I did get a lot. But some years down the road came a turning point within that new journey.
Much like the first turning point, the second unfolded in a series of moments more than as one instant when the proverbial light bulb flared over my head. I’d completed Nine Gates Mystery School and moved to the Bay Area to be closer to the friends I’d made and those of the Mystery School teachers who lived in the area.
Against my better judgement I agreed to room with someone I’d met at the workshop but didn’t know well. Putting it in the kindest light, let’s just say it was a poor match. Now that I’ve become all forgiving and peaceful I’ve calmed down to just thinking of her as the she-witch from hell. She never bothered to hide her contempt of me, which she not only verbally expressed regularly and in myriad ways but also in her systematic destruction of my furniture and mistreatment of my cats.
I kept wondering, “if she’s my mirror, am I THIS horrible?” I even started asking friends I trusted to give me the truth, all of whom agreed I wasn’t like her. Eventually I began seeing comparisons to the way my ornery aunt treated me and the way my dad often spoke to me. The aha moment, though, arrived one day with the realization that I talked to myself just the way the she-witch did … all the time.
The move to California proved to be a far less thrilling choice than anticipated on many fronts and I began to feel desperately unhappy. One of the frequent comments from the she witch and her pals concerned how I angry I obviously was. The unhappiness and a dawning sense of some justice to the angry observation combined with observing some great results from friends who were completing Fischer-Hoffman work with Nine Gates teacher Ellen Margron and led to signing up for her next session.
Until the Fischer-Hoffman work I don’t know that I’d quite understood the importance of emotional work, exploring deep issues and releasing the past. In all honesty, I was pretty resistant. The work changed me in many ways, one of which was a different look at some aspects of what went on with the roommate.
Ellen mentioned at one point that meditation, breath work, etc. can become just another “narcotizing” tool, adding defensive layers of calm and keeping us from seeing the issues underneath. I’d been coping with the roommate by meditating and practicing pranayama. A lot. Suddenly I could see how I’d been burying my rage and unhappiness in the sea of serenity I constantly created around myself.
Step by step these many moments of insight and learning opened me and changed my journey. The huge releases of the Fischer-Hoffman work transformed me on many levels. And I not only developed an affinity for “processing”, but awareness of emotions and willingness to delve into the darkness within became key elements of my journey.