Dungeon Prompt: The moment of change

English: San Francisco Bay Area (from UC Berkley)

San Francisco Bay Area (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

The Dungeon Prompt for this week:

That Now I Get It Moment

Though we may still feel like we don’t “get-it” we’ve all had moments in our life that rocked our world and caused us to look at everything differently. Whether it was bottoming out or having a religious awakening, the discovery of what you want to spend the rest of your life doing, or understanding that you can no longer stick with the career you’ve invested years in, we’ve all had moments when we realized that we’d been going about this thing called life all wrong. What was your, oh-now-I-get-it moment?

For one of these prompts a while back I wrote about the turning point moment when I started my spiritual journey.  At the time my feeling was “now I get it”.  And I did get a lot.  But some years down the road came a turning point within that new journey.

Much like the first turning point, the second unfolded in a series of moments more than as one instant when the proverbial light bulb flared over my head.  I’d completed Nine Gates Mystery School and moved to the Bay Area to be closer to the friends I’d made and those of the Mystery School teachers who lived in the area.

Against my better judgement I agreed to room with someone I’d met at the workshop but didn’t know well.  Putting it in the kindest light, let’s just say it was a poor match.  Now that I’ve become all forgiving and peaceful I’ve calmed down to just thinking of her as the she-witch from hell.  She never bothered to hide her contempt of me, which she not only verbally expressed regularly and in myriad ways  but also in her systematic destruction of my furniture and mistreatment of my cats.

I kept wondering, “if she’s my mirror, am I THIS horrible?”  I even started asking friends I trusted to give me the truth, all of whom agreed I wasn’t like her.  Eventually I began seeing comparisons to the way my ornery aunt treated me and the way my dad often spoke to me.  The aha moment, though, arrived one day with the realization that I talked to myself just the way the she-witch did … all the time.

The move to California proved to be a far less thrilling choice than anticipated on many fronts and I began to feel desperately unhappy.  One of the frequent comments from the she witch and her pals concerned how I angry I obviously was.  The unhappiness and a dawning sense of some justice to the angry observation combined with observing some great results from friends who were completing Fischer-Hoffman work with Nine Gates teacher Ellen Margron and led to signing up for her next session.

Until the Fischer-Hoffman work I don’t know that I’d quite understood the importance of emotional work, exploring deep issues and releasing the past.  In all honesty, I was pretty resistant.  The work changed me in many ways, one of which was a different look at some aspects of what went on with the roommate.

Ellen mentioned at one point that meditation, breath work, etc. can become just another “narcotizing” tool, adding defensive layers of calm and keeping us from seeing the issues underneath.  I’d been coping with the roommate by meditating and practicing pranayama.  A lot.  Suddenly I could see how I’d been burying my rage and unhappiness in the sea of serenity I constantly created around myself.

Step by step these many moments of insight and learning opened me and changed my journey.  The huge releases of the Fischer-Hoffman work transformed me on many levels.  And I not only developed an affinity for “processing”, but awareness of emotions and willingness to delve into the darkness within became key elements of my journey.

16 thoughts on “Dungeon Prompt: The moment of change

  1. Pingback: Dungeon Prompts: That Now-I-Get-It-Moment | The Seeker's Dungeon

  2. The universe with all the love that it has, always puts before us those things that cause pain…so we can see our own heart and the many walls we build around it.
    Your ‘roommate’ was exactly what was needed so that you could feel the pain that you could feel from the rejection of your dad.
    No, it’s not a very nice journey, but is one that helps you to release those walls, see the truth of the situation, and become the love that is waiting inside.
    A big jolt, but with great love, to bring you home.
    Great post Leigh, and a great awareness to post it from the truth you’ve now become 🙂

  3. You gave me some interesting food for thought here. Especially how breathing could be used as a defensive mechanism not to work through the pain but just to numb ourselves to it. Nice article, and cool that you were able to look at the person enough to realize what it was about her that you had in you… your thoughts. Nice article.

    • It’s been interesting — once she made me aware, I started noticing that I was often around people who meditated a lot, but never did emotional work and I could feel the layer of calm stretched tightly over the unacknowledged emotions beneath.
      Thanks for the nice thoughts and for prompts that make me dig.

  4. What a great post!! There are so many ways to hide from facing dark painful feelings. And why not? It sucks to process …like walking into a dark tunnel and you can see the light around bend…not quite yet. Good for you for finding the courage to do exactly that.

    • Once I embraced processing, I came to love it but I had to push myself through to the experience of feeling the freedom that follows before I started doing it willingly so I can see why it’s hard to face.

  5. Great post, great observations! Thanks a lot for sharing.
    The roommate story reminds me of some similar story told by Pierre Pradervand. He was hit on the nose by a stranger. He didn’t know why it happened and went to a psychic medium for an answer. The medium said that he should stop beating himself up all the time. Then it dawned on him that he was giving himself a hard time with negative self-talk.
    This post is wonderful food for thought.

  6. As I read along I asked myself, why did she attract that roommate? When I came to the answer I was truly surprised! I had not considered the self-talk. I have much to consider here. As an aside, I know that as an astrologer that certain locations are not a good fit for everyone. Where to live is strongly connected to the natal chart. So perhaps California was not a good fit for you astrologically 🙂

    Thanks for this insightful article.

    • Actually once I dumped the she witch and moved to an apartment at my teacher’s house in Marin, I really loved it there — even though it never worked well financially for me. When I go back to housesit for her I feel like I’ve returned to my heart’s home…
      I’ve found that mirror thing works in mysterious ways, with self-talk just one of the ways in which the mirror shows up as not quite the direct reflection we expect.

  7. Beautiful work you’re doing. I experienced a massive “now I get it” moment the other week during a hypnotherapy session. I was digging in deep, trying to uncover a trigger that’s been affecting my life especially this past year (it relates to my son and his anxiety). As I was uncovering the truth of why I would react, I had another experience happen. I major truth for myself was revealed, and it hit me at so many levels that I’ll be processing it for a while. The trigger had to do with a belief that I’ve held onto during several lifetimes, that because I have talents to help people heal, it’s my job or responsibility to cure them. What was revealed is that this is not so. Yes, I have talents to help facilitate people heal themselves, and whether or not their physical body becomes cured of an illness or condition is not my purview or responsibility. I also experienced this as I woke up spiritually: lots of “now I get it” moments.

    • I think that feeling of responsibility for “making” the healing happen is one a lot of healers have — and it often goes back through lifetimes. Great work you’re doing!

  8. Pingback: When the inner voice says stop | Not Just Sassy on the Inside

  9. I had so many reactions to your post:

    1) ” Now that I’ve become all forgiving and peaceful I’ve calmed down to just thinking of her as the she-witch from hell.” Thanks for the laugh!!!!

    2) I often ask my therapy clients what they would think if they saw someone speaking to a child the way they talk to themselves, i.e. with a never ending deluge of criticism. They almost always see it as abusive. That is often a turning point for clients, as they see it is the child within them that they are criticizing.

    3) I used to say that I had a high tolerance for other people’s behaviors. I later realized that the reality was that I was stuffing feelings and building resentments.

    4) I don’t know the type of therapy you mention but I am a big believer in the necessity of getting the rage, fear and grief out of our bodies.

    Thanks for a writing such an interesting post.

  10. Pingback: Dungeon Prompts: What did you forget? | The Seeker's Dungeon

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