Sreejit’s prompt today:
Our life tends to move in cycles. From the types of relationships that we get in and out of, to the kinds of jobs that we move through, the swing of our moods, or our change in attitudes towards what is happening around us, there tends to be some uniform repetition. You probably have noticed a pattern in the coming and goings of these things. Tell us about one such life cycle, or pattern, that you’ve noticed yourself repeating again and again.
I’ve found patterns in my life sometimes operate in cycles and others are more an ingrained thing that causes the habit or thought to be always present. I’ve worked more on the latter, particularly of late, when ancestral patterns have been my focus.
So I had to think for a bit to come up with a pattern or two that I would also say arose in cycles.
One was moving. Before I figured out that “wherever I go there I am” I used to pick up and move every time I felt stymied in a place. Many moves later, Ellen, the facilitator of my Fischer Hoffman group, looked at me one day and said I was following my mother’s pattern. My dad moved her to Michigan for better job opportunities and she spent thirty some years up there wishing she was still in Kentucky.
I’d forgotten Ellen even knew about that. I’d never connected my pattern of moving to my mother’s perpetual feeling of discontent with where she lived, so Ellen’s insight came as a big revelation. I tried like anything to stay in California and I’d have happily abandoned the pattern to stay there but the huge expense of life in the Bay Area at a time when my health didn’t allow me to work full time just didn’t work. Well, unless I developed an attraction for living under a bridge or in my car.
Now, here I am in Kentucky — going on 17 years — and most of the time I’ve regularly wished I were somewhere else. I’ve been here now longer than any place else and I’m thinking that even when I’m free to leave I probably won’t. Not sure whether I ended the pattern or just got old and tired of moving. Plus I have some amazing friends here and I’m tired of leaving amazing people at a distance.
I’ve been too busy trying to get healthy for some years to be bothered with dating but back when I did, I had an unfailing pattern of choosing unavailable men. One after another. Not married men. Just commitment phobic. Or serial daters. Or controlling SOBs I clearly couldn’t tolerate. Finally one day I told the Universe if I couldn’t attract anything better I’d prefer no one at all. And I got what I asked for 🙂
I learned from my mother and an aunt or two to believe that women lose their self hood in marriage and have no choice but to dance to the husband’s tune. It’s sure how it turned out for them. Eventually I understood that I chose impossible men to have a great excuse for never getting lost in marriage. I’ve done a lot of healing around that issue but I realize sometimes that some little corner of me still fears getting swallowed by a relationship.
As I feel better, thoughts of getting back out there flit through sometimes. I alternate between (1) thinking that given the healing process I would attract someone suitable now and (2) figuring it’s all just too much trouble. One of these days, though, I think I might have just enough curiosity to check out whether I magnetize yet another commitment phobic ass hat or whether I’ve reached a place to attract a good partner. Maybe.
To be honest, I’ve found it much tougher to delve into the ingrained patterns that ruled my days 24/7. I don’t know that I’ve completely dumped any of them but I’ve succeeded in living from a different set of beliefs and patterns 90-95% of the time. Which leaves a significant amount of time for dancing to the old tunes.
For me, the issues of moving or not moving or marrying or not marrying are pretty inconsequential and don’t make much difference. Moving toward serenity and inner peace through releasing patterns that go the other way feels more important so I focus more on healing those issues — and notice that some of these other patterns fall away or shift as the healing deepens. And yes, I’m aware of the theme within these themes of keeping my distance… 😉