As the unwinding in my head progresses ever nearer to completion, times are both trying and exciting. Trying because the tugging and pulling hurts and keeps me from sleeping. Exciting because my face is already so much more open than at any point in memory and I can imagine how great it will feel when it’s completely relaxed.
I’ve mentioned occasionally in recent months that I feel something light and bright in this opening. Recent releases have left me in a generally more optimistic and happy place than I usually hold With the ongoing sleep issue, I run into people who can’t understand why I can’t sleep and who believe that if I just said the right affirmation or held the right vision of all this unfolding some different way, I could make it all stop.
Trust me, if repeating an affirmation, creating a vision or asking the Universe to give me a new healing plan could have changed the course of all this, the path would have taken a turn long ago. Somewhere in the last couple of years, I finally just surrendered to this process and let it rule my life. Only in the last week, though, did I reach a place of thankfulness.
I’m a control freak. While my mind knows perfectly well that I can’t in fact control everything in my life, some deep part of me has held on to the illusion that I can. What a gift the Universe has handed me by choosing a healing path that’s crazy and out of my control. It’s helped me to let go of so much.
I’ve had some vivid dreams and plans toward which I worked for a long time. The end game is no longer clear and I’m content to ride out this healing journey and let the new come together when the time is here. For most of my life not knowing what comes next would have driven me nuts. For most of my life this crazy unwinding journey would have inspired a frenzy of “action plans” to fix it.
Instead, I’m just thankful that something–including a lot of healing work of many sorts from me and others– unleashed this wild ride to healing. No one I know has seen anything quite like it, many don’t believe it’s happening and I just ride along the ups and downs with faith that I am healing whether or not it makes sense to anyone else.* I’ve come to trust the tangible progress and I can see and feel that something bigger than me is directing.
I’ve felt for a long time that the rigid, criss-crossing, intertwined muscles had something to do with holding my life in old patterns. I can feel the patterns releasing as the muscles heal. I can feel it’s leading somewhere new. I’m fine with letting it unfold without my mind conducting
This week, looking at all this I’m thankful this out-of-control journey has led me to let go, to accept this process as what is and to have faith that wherever it’s leading, all will be well.
Thankful Thursday post.
* That was an early benefit of spiritual practice and the journey — after a lifetime of caring too much what others think, somewhere along on the road I turned into a person who mostly doesn’t give a crap what everybody else thinks — and what a relief that is!