Linda over at Litebeing Chronicles has asked us to pick a date and post about the Gifts of 2014. Today is my day. There are quite a few dates left so think about signing on to write one –the instructions and the list showing which dates are taken and which are open is here.
This has been kind of a tough year for me in some ways — almost a non-year in a way. So I’ve struggled a bit in thinking about this challenge. The long unwinding head* process finally got to me more than a year ago; what with the discomfort of having my face jerked all over and the lack of sleep due to the jerking I’ve been exhausted and having trouble getting things done.
Somewhere late in the year, the process took a couple of turns. During the summer, though still feeling like throwing my hands up, I started very slowly making my way through a long list of procrastinated “to-dos” and each item checked off brought my spirits up a bit. Then in the fall I had a long patch of relative quiet during which I got a lot of sleep, got lots more stuff done and gained back my optimism.
The muscles have loosened enough to feel more freedom and relaxation in my head than I ever remember. Every new opening feels like an exciting step toward knowing what it is to have a face and head with healthy, relaxed muscles.
My first spiritual teacher asked me often, “What do you believe that created this reality?” The exercise involved going into meditation, asking that question, and then, once the belief was identified, to ask to be taken to the place when the belief began. It’s a practice I’ve used ever since (30 years!). Upon seeing the belief I held that led to my situation and then how the belief started I often released the belief immediately. Sometimes it took more work (… sometimes, call that a LOT of work!).
I’ve asked the question a few times over the long years of dealing with my health. Over the weekend I asked again, “what do I believe that created all these health issues and made it all take so long?”. The answer included pieces I’ve had before but gave me a more comprehensive view than ever:
- I didn’t believe I deserved to exist; that one started very early
- After growing up in the midst of too many adults with too many conflicting opinions about who I should be (definitely not me!) and what I should do, these particular health issues provided the perfect means of avoiding a wrong step
- The first two and all of the interconnected beliefs and issues that flowed from them all played out in my body
- Decades of creating a complicated set of muscle problems led to a physical situation that required time to work out
This year I’ve had a growing sense that the long process and the minute detail in which I’ve had to experience the shifts and changes leads to something I’m meant to teach others. Though I can’t quite see what this will be, I feel a sense of comfort that I will be able to use this journey to help people.
As of last Friday, the steely stuff behind my left eye finally started loosening. The days since have been trying but I’m also thrilled as I follow the progress. That eye has felt embedded in cement as long as I can remember The growing feeling of freedom is amazing. I’ve written in the past about tight muscles behind the eyes that cause near-sightedness. My vision has been improving. Right now the right side has opened much more (wasn’t as tight to begin with) and the vision in my right eye is very close to restored. I put a hand over each eye every day now to check how each one is doing and I’m looking forward to loosening the left eye enough that my vision improves there too.
None of this has been easy — I’d call it a long dark night of the soul — but the rewards as I progress toward health are amazing. The insights I’ve had to explore as part of the journey to wellness have changed my life so much. In spite to the hard stuff, I’d say the journey in 2014 has been a gift.
*Short version: head used to be like a cement block with muscles wound up like steel pipes, intertwined in complicated patterns and glued together. Craniosacral work opened it up enough that the muscles started unwinding on their own.
Tomorrow’s post on the Gift challenge will be on Amanda’s blog.