Somewhere in the last couple of years I hit a wall; in this seemingly endless healing journey I finally felt pushed beyond my limits. While my health was better than it had been in ages, the constant unwinding process and its concomitant sleep issues got to me.
In a life of ambition and a stick-to-it, get-the-list done mentality, I found myself lacking direction or even a will to figure out, let alone execute, a plan. In hindsight, I can see it’s a good thing to have let go of that sense of drive and the constant pursuit of goals. But until recently I felt a little uneasy with this new version of myself–not to mention the guilt over lack of accomplishment, etc.
Great friends have occasionally reminded me that this amazing healing journey is an incredible accomplishment and maybe that's all I've been meant to do -- or could do -- for now. That helps bring me back on track but I tend to forget...
In the last six months or so something has been shifting. I’ve been slowly chipping away at a long list of procrastinated tasks. For most people it wouldn’t seem like a lot, but for me it’s been a boost to finally start moving out from under the weight of things not done. And as I check off one item after another I’m aware of change in process within. I didn’t wake up one day and decide that it was time. Change just arrived on some level and I started working away at my list.
In the last few weeks I’ve been on a crazy sleeping pattern. I rotate around, sleeping at different times, anywhere from 1-1/2 to 6 hours. Sometimes three times a day I hit a wall of fatigue and really have no choice but to sleep. Most days the various rounds of sleeping add up to at least 8 and sometimes 10 or 12 hours of sleep. I’ve been so sleep deprived for so long (and before that exhausted from chronic fatigue) it’s amazing to realize I’m finally beginning to feel rested. Still tired, but getting back to being rested. And when I’ve had enough sleep I actually feel pretty well.
With rest, my days are slowly beginning to include more things done. After winding my exercise routine down to nothing I’m exercising a bit every day, slowly getting back strength and flexibility that diminished with neglect.
Glimmers of hope drift up in my consciousness. A sense that all the years of trying to sort out the overlapping, intertwining health issues are finally coming to fruition and I get to be healthy.