It’s one of those days when there are several things vying in my mind for a spot on the blog today and, since I couldn’t make up my mind, I’m meandering through a couple– which sort of relate, I think… maybe…
1. First some gratitude for the great discussion my blogging friends put on my post yesterday! If you read it before the comments were up you might want to go back and check out their thoughtful conversations. Several included the reminder that you don’t really get rid of all negative thoughts, and I’m so glad they added the piece I left out. Also some thoughtful additional techniques for turning your thoughts away from the negative thoughts. What a blessing you all are! Thanks so much.
2. That post and the comments left me pondering today. I’ve been doing various spiritual practices for decades now so really, my complaining time has gone down dramatically. And I’m pretty good at catching the negativity and letting it go. So I found it curious that my general feeling of late is that I’m still too much in the grip of those old ways of thinking.
This has been kind of a tough year for me. Although my health is much better now than years ago, my ability to cope with ongoing health-related issues has gone down dramatically. So that’s a piece of feeling more negative. And I’ve not been successful at shifting away from the thought that I’m sick and tired of being sick and tired.
But I also realized that in the last year or two a lot of core muscles have been unwinding in my head and, along with that, a lot of core issues have been working their way out. I’ve been experiencing a lot of my negative threads again because they’re rising to the surface on their way out.
Since I started getting bodywork again a few months ago the “unwinding head” progress has been both awe-inspiring and exhausting. In the last few weeks — really since I worked on the forgiveness project — a lot has opened (my eyes don’t feel set in cement any more!) and along with it a sense of well-being and confidence that all is well has been moving in. All that shifting is also still bringing up old stuff so I’m yo-yo-ing a bit.
I’ve mentioned before that I felt those wound up muscles in my face created an emotional climate that almost had its own life. And it feels now like I’m finally getting free of that and naturally moving into a better space. When I’d finished thinking this through and realized that, I felt like my world changed.
3. I could also see that in some ways I folded in around the rising emotions. After so many years of practice, I hold a serene space pretty naturally. I’ve written before that practices can sometimes create a shield instead of an opening. I’ve had a sense of paralysis this year that I’ve put down to the end-of-my-rope-with-illness thing. Today I realized that my ability* to stay in a calm, centered place also meant that all those emotions moved through almost outside my consciousness. And on some level I did what I’ve always done — folded in around it. And it froze me to some extent. And it felt like realizing it was all I needed to shift away from it. Yeah!
* Ability is almost not the right word because I don’t make a lot of effort any more — I’ve just shifted into a space where, by and large, I stay calm. Certainly never reach the heights of angst and neuroses that used to hold sway all the time.