We’ve finally had some warmer weather. Hyacinths and crocuses are blooming and the magnolia in the backyard is full of buds. As my spirits improve with nicer days I’m realizing that my doldrums haven’t only been about winter. Somewhere last fall I felt like this whole unwinding head thing went past an edge for me. I just don’t have the energy to keep figuring out how to get it to the finish line and I’m so tired of the yanking and jerking and not sleeping and headaches…
Anyway, since the process keeps on keeping on whether or not I have any patience left, I’ve been in a kind of limbo. Putting up because I have no choice but kind of withdrawn? beyond the end of my rope? In a way the long cold winter and the hibernation it induced gave me a good excuse to stay holed up. With longer days and a somewhat sunnier attitude, I’m realizing that a bit of that sense of limbo continues.
Having been told several times that if the muscles around my eyes jerked open too fast I could be blinded or if other muscles released too suddenly it could cause a stroke, I try to be grateful that the slow progress of this journey has kept me safe from those dire possibilities. But some days the only gratitude list I can come up with is “thanks for not making me blind or giving me a stroke,” and that list doesn’t really leave me feeling uplifted.
The good news is that the recent yanks and twists have been opening much more at a time and I have moments here and there when I can just about feel what it might be like to have a head that isn’t scrunched in a vise. Very nice! My vision is noticeably improving and I actually feel some space around my eyes. When I feel one of those big openings I get that this is a pretty miraculous process.
Sometimes the healing journey is so slow and circuitous it’s hard to hold on to faith that the Universe is always working for our best interests. As the days warm up and the flowers start blooming I’m sensing that movement is afoot and limbo is on the way out. If any others out there have been on a journey so slow that you wonder sometimes if there’s a point or whether your faith is unfounded, I know how tough that is! But I do have faith that all our journeys are led by a higher consciousness that knows how to take us where we need to go.