Four of us came together yesterday afternoon to chant, meeting the challenge to gather with at least three others to pray or chant for peace by midnight August 11. Although we expected a couple more, four was plenty to build a big energy. From the beginning I felt my heart expanding. Several of us felt the others who were connecting from other places and felt it built the energy.
As my body opens up stage by stage I regularly note that how I “feel” things changes. Yesterday, the longer we chanted the more I could feel the heart energy expand and start to move through my body. I could feel it in many more places than I used to — also could feel a few places where energy still doesn’t go… The longer we chanted the more I felt that expansion and during the last half hour, when we chanted for earth, I felt myself move into a rapturous state of connection to the energy.
At about the 50 minute mark (I was timekeeper…) I suddenly started choking and coughing, breaking much of that expanded, connected feeling. Reflecting about it later I thought that this disconnect relates to the experiences I’ve been posting about in my Scribblings blog, concerning my fear of being consumed (and here).
There are some core issues for me that keep cropping up. In fact, I think core issues tend to have tentacles that spread themselves through many areas of life and beliefs, so I rather imagine I’ll be running into these again… They both go back to very early childhood and are intertwined.
One is lack of trust or faith in God. At some point in tracing backwards I realized that at a very young age the treatment I received led me to believe that God abandoned me. Although I’ve obviously managed to garner some faith in order to keep going on this path, in a fundamental way I still don’t thoroughly believe that All That Is is prepared to take care of me.
The other thread is a “don’t be” message. “Don’t be so loud.” “Don’t be such a crybaby.” “Don’t be like your Aunt Mary Jane (whom I was a lot like).” “Don’t be a musician.” Most of who and what I started out to be was actively discouraged — sometimes violently — and I seem to have walked away with a belief that I don’t have a right to live. And more especially that if I ever live as my true self I’ll be attacked and probably killed for it.
I got the connection between those things and the decision at some level to create body armor with my muscles and squeeze “the life” out of my organs and glands — tired and in pain and withdrawn…– a long time ago. But I can see now that my frequent reluctance to meditate regularly and my reluctance to be consumed by writing both arise because those things take me to the place where I am my essential self, where my true spirit gets to live and shine … the me who isn’t supposed to live. Something in me is still afraid to step all the way into that space.
Time to let go, clearly. Actually letting go, not always so easy…
Do you have a core fear that pops up related to many areas of your life? Any fears or issues that are hard to let go?
- Praying for me or thee (bluegrassnotes.wordpress.com)
- Collective Prayer Sundays Challenge and Reminder (bluegrassnotes.wordpress.com)