Being Peace in Relationship

I’m posting this one as an entry in Kozo’s Blogger’s for Peace Monthly Challenge, which includes a number of possibilities for discussing peace in relationships.  I’ve chosen “4 things you can do to become a better partner”, which I’m interpreting in the broad sense of partners in any kind of relationship — friends, colleagues, etc.  This is also for Jenny Matlock’s AlphabeThursday , which is “B” this week.

My number one piece of advice for “being peace” in relationships is to know yourself.  Not just the surface you or the you you like the world to see but the deep, dark recesses of you.  Know what your issues are.  The more I’ve known about what my issues and hot buttons are the more I’ve been able to stand back from any conversation or confrontation in which I feel wounded or upset or angry “at” something someone said.  I can wind up seeing they had no such intent but happened to land on one of my trigger spots.  When you can own what’s yours and not blame it on anyone else, you’ve made a big step toward getting along better with other people.

Second, as Don Miguel Ruiz so wisely put it, “Don’t take anything personally”.  The chances are if someone is directing verbal ice picks into your ribs, they ‘re acting out of some of those issues and hot buttons that they haven’t acknowledged and it has nothing to do with you.  Huna teacher Serge King says, “People are who they are and they do what they do”.  If you can figure out who the people around you are and what they’re likely to say and do because of it, they won’t often surprise you and it will be easier to see what belongs to them and has nothing to do with you.

Third:  Communicate well.  Practice right speech and especially right listening.  Pay attention to what people are saying to you and try to keep your own opinions and attitudes out of it.  Ask neutral questions or mirror back what they’ve said in ways that invite them to move deeper into their own hearts about the subject.  It’s amazing how thoroughly you can connect when you make conversation a dance about connecting at the heart.

Fourth:  Do no harm.  Approach every person, every conversation, every action with the intent to create the greatest possible benefit and the least possible harm.  That means not being sarcastic, not criticizing other people’s choices, not cutting people off or ostracizing, etc., not manipulating or one-upping, lying, cheating, stealing, etc.  Since we (in the US) live in a culture that seems to admire a great put down or a smart remark, I find it takes a lot of mindfulness to avoid being thoughtlessly harmful.

I find the only way to do well with 2-4 is to be really good at the first suggestion and to be very mindful.

The instructions in B4Peace blogging include a link to another of the posts:  Perfecting Peace in Relationships.

28 thoughts on “Being Peace in Relationship

  1. I have really enjoyed visiting your blog today and although the start of this comment is Generic to others today I will personalise at the end. I know what its like to not have many visitors so may aim is to say hi to everyone of you .

    I am so guilty of many of these challenges. I am now starting a new relationship and want to implement all your points into my daily life.
    I have done listening causes both with chikldren and adults

  2. Pingback: June Post For Peace | Breathing Space

  3. Leigh,
    There is so much wisdom here. Yes, I purposely worded the challenge to include all relationships, and I am so thankful I did, because your checklist applies to all relationships–human, animal, earth. I love how you prioritize know thyself. Your reminder at the end that 2-4 depend on knowing one’s self is brilliant. I also love #4. What if we put this into practice with our relationship with everyone and everything including Mother Earth? I can’t think of a more important directive–Know thyself, don’t harm others=a life well lived.
    I am so grateful for this post. Thank you so much for posting for peace. I believe that this post has unlimited potential to spread peace in our world. {{{hugs}}} Kozo

    • Thanks so much — so glad you liked it. You asked me long ago if I’d participate in B4Peace and I’ve always meant to–felt bad that I didn’t–but it just took me a while Felt really good to finally be part of it.. Thank you for starting this!

  4. Pingback: June’s Bloggers4Peace – Peace at Home | Inspire the Idea

  5. I learned that if I point my finger at someone else, three more are pointing back at me. I also learned that I cannot change anyone else, but I can change myself and my attitudes.

    My most important lessons were, and continue to be, taught by my animal companions.

  6. Great piece – I find Miguel Ruiz’s advice the most helpful of all…. by not taking things personally I can stand back and see what my stuff in it is, and what is the other persons… it brings real peace of mind using this Agreement…

  7. I believe all of these suggestions are very helpful with “Being Peace”…

    Many beautiful relationships can be built by following these concepts…

    Brilliant post for the letter B.

    Thanks for linking!


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  10. Wonderful post. I love all four points but the third point on keeping your opinions out of it and partaking in right listening is GOOD!! I am on a path right now where this post is worth re-reading regularly. Have a wonderful evening lovely lady.

  11. A very wise post.

    Thank you for visiting my blog today. I appreciate the time you took to stop by. May your day be filled with joy and peace.

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    • Thanks for listing my post on yours. Your stories are both so moving. The event for the disenfranchised a perfect example of serving and promoting peace and the tragedy in your family –a great statement for teaching our children to be mindful, to meditate, to hold a peaceful space…

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