Why did I attract that?

Wildflowers by street near downtown San Rafael

My second week in Marin I dined with a friend who’s particularly good at the right listening side of right speech.  We discussed the story of the big blow up that happened before I headed to California (see previous post).  She was the first person to realize that I’d been so upset because I’d been sent a psychic fireball of anger and she gave me a practice to clear it.  The practices I’d already been doing (lots of ho’ o pono pono and energy balancing) along with getting away to beautiful Marin had taken care of a lot of it and her suggestion finished the process.  The part I continue to contemplate is the question to which she kept returning, “why do you think this situation came to you?”

As previously noted I feel an overarching reason for this sudden shift is that I’d been ignoring an intuition that I should quit focusing on movement classes and put more attention on writing.  She accepted that but still came back to the question so I realized she felt there was more.  Looking deeper I could see a pattern that started with my mother’s ornery sister — a thread of people in my life with big stores of anger and unpredictable flashes of rage.  In fact, there were a lot of angry people around me as a child and, though I’ve managed to have lots of lovely friends who don’t indulge in angry outbursts, I’ve generally always had at least one in whom I could see the anger but ignored it in favor of the aspects I liked about the person — much I like I ignored that anger in my relatives.  I’ve known about the pattern for a while.  I realized this time that I’m ready to be done with it.  Even though other friendships along the thread had broken and I’d acknowledged relief to be out of each specific one, I’d never actually decided to be done with the pattern.  No more friends with unacknowledged lava pits of anger for me.

However, my friend continued to ask the question and I have a notion that she’s right, that there’s another level of the why and that one continues to elude me.  I’ve been in this place many times and I find it both fascinating and frustrating; the process of discovery can produce amazing revelations and yet when something eludes my scrutiny it’s maddening.  Whenever I discover a new issue or comprehend an admonition that I created after some childhood trauma, it feels so great.  Only when I know what’s there can I let go of it so every success in searching for underlying causes leads to a greater sense of freedom.  Even when frustrated I know this new way of handing it is so much better than my old way of letting my feelings fester,endlessly blaming the other person and always feeling “why me?”.  So I’m reminding myself this is better while I scratch my head and feel silly that I can’t see what else attracted a psychic fireball to me…

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8 thoughts on “Why did I attract that?

    • You’re right — I’m not really thinking much about it at this point because I know when the time is right it will be clear… Good reminder — thank you.

  1. “No more friends with unacknowledged lava pits of anger for me.”

    I was once married to a very angry man. It took me a year to really understand this, and year to extricate myself.

    Knowing that you do not want the lava pits of anger in your life, is very, very important. Wonderful discovery!

  2. Quite a few years ago, I had a lot of anger, probably from abuse as a child that was hidden in my subconscious…anyway as a person on a spiritual path I was fortunate enough to be in places where we work on these things. When I was studying and practicing qigong so much shifted and it seems the anger just evaporated, or something. Now I rarely get angry in outburst sorts of ways, minor upsets or still impatient but not big anger. I am so grateful that I had the opportunity to heal.

    Blessings Leigh~

    • Believe me, I’ve worked and worked on anger. I don’t think I know anyone who doesn’t have it. But there are those who know they have it and those who don’t… I too have less that makes me angry and rarely have more than a slight flare… not going to say there might not be something there that could blow but these days I have a pretty good sense of what’s mine (most of what makes me angry) and what landed on me from someone else so I rarely get angry with the other person.

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