Time here in Marin always seems to move too quickly–can’t believe I’ve been here a week. It’s been a very strange time for me. In the couple of weeks before I came out here a lot of things blew up. From the workshop that was supposed to pay for this trip to a close friendship to a lot of things about how I’ve been earning a tiny living… I know from reading other blogs that it’s a bit odd for the reader when someone mentions big events like that and then fails to provide more info but I now see why people do it–too many readers know too much and I don’t want to air dirty laundry or create division or “say” something that would reflect badly on anyone. So my story is about my reaction to the sudden topsy-turvy quality of my life with apologies that I’m not going to say what happened.
Nothing has thrown me for a loop this badly for a long time. In the couple of weeks before coming to CA I spent so much time feeling paralyzed that I’m amazed I got out here with everything I intended to bring. None of the practices with which I’ve held equanimity for years helped–and those I only used when I managed to shake off the deep freeze enough to do something. At the same time from some deep place within I knew that the changes I have to make should have been made a long time ago. My “guidance” has been telling me for several years to quit putting so much time into movement classes and instead put more effort into writing and I’ve just kept right on teaching. So part of me feels relieved that I’m free of the enmeshment that kept me trying to teach and somewhere in there I know that all will be well.
For me it’s another instance of realizing that my faith and trust in the universe are pretty shallow. Since I bought a non-refundable ticket and committed to house/cat sitting I came on the trip even though the means of paying for it disappeared and at moments I wrestle with fear about spending the money at this time. But, as always, being here is balm to my soul and the paralysis quickly lifted. I’ve let myself just hang out and do whatever crossed my mind for the first week and watched myself move into a better space. I can see that it’s time to restore my sporadic meditation practice to a more regular role and that I have to get more disciplined about working on the two e-books that are basically put together in my head.
Of course I have to smile at the part of me that thought spiritual practice had moved me beyond getting dragged into such a deeply emotional response. It wasn’t anywhere close to as dramatic as it once would have been and two weeks of trauma is nothing compared to the months or years of angst the situation once would have produced. I can thank many years of spiritual practice and study for the improved response but I also have to note that once I fell into paralysis I did not just naturally pull out the practices and when I did they helped only momentarily (though who can say how much they may collectively have contributed to my improved state of mind…).
In the meantime I’m here in the place I love so dearly and have enjoyed seeing old friends and look forward to a number of visits still to come. By the time I leave I might even be looking forward to the new life that awaits when I go home.