A lot of the Fischer Hoffman process is spent cataloging and exploring beliefs. Our facilitator, Ellen Margron, talked a lot about the way beliefs exist in daisy chains and that the chains intertwine. Each belief is likely to have corollary beliefs. Sometimes one set of beliefs affects another.
I hadn’t thought much about the daisy chains for a while. But as the unwinding head saga has been heading down the final stretch I’ve been asking myself if there’s any unresolved issue that could still be holding on in those muscles. I was thinking “repressed memory” or some issue I’ve never seen. What I found were a couple of places where issues I’d already worked on came together in a way I’d missed.
A long time ago I understood that I’d made myself small in order to please my parents, who liked me best with my voice and power turned down… or off. That was a big piece I processed during Fischer Hoffman. I also worked on self forgiveness in some contexts. And I knew that a lot of the tightness in my jaw related to anger – another arena in which I did a lot of “processing”. I had not put it together that the squeezed up muscles in my face and head were another part of making myself small and that I felt a lot of rage toward myself for letting it all happen. As soon as I put it together some more kinks popped open in the muscles in my jaw.
I opened some more space when I found several threads about feeling as if nothing I could ever do would be good enough, that one day someone will see I’m a fraud, etc. Again, I’d known some of the pieces but I’d never seen how they came together as part of the body armor that has been my great challenge.
Sometimes it takes a lot of patience to explore the many strands of beliefs and, especially, to figure out how they all fit together. I like the image of daisy chains—somehow it makes all that mining in the depths of my being seem a little cheerier—and like the light can reach down there; how else could the daisies live?