A few weeks ago I got an e-mail with one of those questionnaires that asks you to name friends and songs and colors and each one gets put in a numbered slot and you scroll down to a numbered list that tells you something about the place the person, song, etc. holds in your life. I get a kick out of those so I followed all the instructions, never imagining that I would have an epiphany from playing this little game.
One piece asked you to write down the names of two men you know. For some reason the two who popped into my head were old friends of mine. One, whom I’ll call X (I’m pretty sure I’ve never known an Xavier or a Xerxes so should be safely anonymous) was an old college friend (who’s of course not actually OLD, no no no!) who’s passed in and out of my life in several phases.
I was always crazy about him and thought he was very attractive but even though I felt sometimes that I SHOULD be interested in romance, I just wasn’t. And I think our friendship has always been kind of easy because the lack of chemistry goes both ways. X is one of very few people I’ve ever known who’s just naturally centered. He moves through the world with no apparent doubts about himself –particularly in the professional realm—and whatever direction he decides to apply his considerable talents to leads to success. I loved to be in his presence because he had so much about him that I wanted to be.
By the second phase of our friendship I was taking the first steps of my spiritual journey and I soon thought of X as a role model. I wanted to find that confidence, that ability to define my bliss and move forward with it. When I moved to San Francisco we lost touch but as I studied and practiced and went through the Fischer-Hoffman work, I’d remember X every now and then and realize he still held the space of role model for me.
So when I wrote down X’s name and the position it turned out to be in was “he’s a mirror for you”, I just thought it was nice at first. But it stuck with me and I kept turning it around in my head. “Well, since he’s my role model he must reflect something about the part of me that aspires to some of the same characteristics.” I guess it says a lot about how deeply buried some issues are and/or how cloudy my vision is that it took me a couple of weeks to get to “Whoa. What if I always was that? What if he was always a mirror of who I am and I just couldn’t see it?”
Now the actual following of my bliss is relatively recent and the success so far not so apparent, but coming together, so I get that it’s not an exact reflection. But I can finally see that all along I had X’s qualities lurking somewhere in me and my self doubt loomed so large that I couldn’t see around it to the real me. Work in progress on that.
Who are the mirrors around you? Can you see yourself in the people you most admire? Can you see your friend’s success as reflecting something that’s growing in you?
This is my post for Jenny Matlock’s AlphabeThursday, which is “W” — a slim link in the title, I know, but this was what I wanted to write…