A deep issue that I’ve encountered several times over the years is a fear that if I am myself I will be killed. I trace it to being very tiny and very aware that the volatile, hot-tempered adults around me were huge and held my survival in their hands. They made it clear early on that I would be loved and cared for only if I conformed to their standards; I’ve often said it was okay to be chronologically young in my house, just not actually a child.
It has been one of the toughest aspects of my journey to get past. The more “myself” I become and the closer to being out there expressing that self, the more various forms of resistance have arisen – always traceable back to that core fear of being killed. As I’ve mentioned this to others they’ve described similar sensations.
When I was going through the Fischer Hoffman Process (wow, 20 years ago now), I noted several times that a number of issues that went back to toddler days seemed to have been more dramatic to my inner child purely because of the size factor. They were huge and powerful and I think I was quite clear that when angry they could easily kill me – whether they would have is not the question here, just the perception of tiny beings.
I wonder how many people are locked into patterns that cling particularly hard because they seemed so much more frightening to a tiny person? I’m interested to know what others have found.
- Living from essence (bluegrassnotes.wordpress.com)