The early days of my journey were strictly New Age. One of the pursuits in which I regularly engaged was writing down a vision for the future which then involved any of a variety of rituals from just writing it to burning, floating in water, etc. A few days ago I was thinking about the “next” in my life now that the illness phase is winding down. Lots of years of illness led to lots of time alone, so my thoughts were about what I want in terms of social life. Oddly it was never part of the vision plans I created long ago –in those days children and a husband were my people priorities; when it became too late for children I kind of lost interest in the husband and I was so deep in illness I had no vision plans except for health.
As an only child my early years had lots of alone time. In my twenties and thirties I made lots of friends and became obsessed with filling all possible moments with people. After I started the journey I realized that all that neurotic activity was designed to keep me from ever sitting alone with my thoughts and possibly confronting an issue or two (personally I think that’s an epidemic in America). About the same time I started the journey I was also finding out that something was seriously wrong with my health. It was a nice coincidence that as my stamina for being out and about went down, I learned the tools to enjoy having alone time in which to meditate and think.
I’ve gotten so used to a very quiet life that I can see that it’s been a sticking point for me about moving beyond illness — somewhere deep down I see that it means getting out in the world again and part of me doesn’t want to leave the cocoon. I have some friends who have lots of friends and busy lives and they’re constantly frantic, constantly short of time to do things. That’s a nightmare to me, not a vision and on some level I’ve been worried that stepping out into wellness means stepping into that over-committed, overpopulated, rushing life style.
I come from a family that tends to see black and white, either/or, so I sat frozen in the sense that I had to choose one or the other when I wanted both. Recently it occurred to me that I can decide on my own shades of gray. With relief, I decided that my vision is to find a way to balance the alone time I love with the people time I love. I trust the Universe will help to create that balance in the best way.