The horrors of change…

Sometimes I think the greatest source of resistance I have to becoming enlightened is the secret fear that I’ll have to live a life to which I don’t aspire.  Some sort of ascetic life possibly involving no shoes and/or a begging bowl.  And a lot of religious doctrine tells me that upon enlightenment I’ll be happy to have nothing and indeed that I won’t achieve it unless I give up material pursuits first.

I don’t really have a desire to hoard billions or wear Versace but I like houses and cars and computers and WEARING SHOES and on some level I’m uneasy as to what enlightenment means relative to life as I’ve known it.  Of course life as I’ve known it seemed fairly sucky when I started this journey, hence the journey.  Quite a puzzle…

Twenty-five years into the journey I’ve experienced a lot and changed a lot and, from the perspective of now, it’s been pretty great.  But if you’d told me when I started all that I would face and some of the changes I would make, I’m not sure that I’d have kept going.  For me it’s one of the hardest parts of a transformational journey:  not knowing what the transformed life will look like.  And it isn’t as hard on the surface as it’s hard in those deep dark places that catch me unaware and lead me into self-sabotage and resistance.


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